What Real People DO While YOU Read Our Blog

 Right now I am typing. Enjoy:

Having a life
Having a baby
Hanging with friends
Eating with friends
Talking with friends
Running with friends
Talking like chipmunks
Throwing lasagna
Singing about Oreos
Driving people crazy
Driving cars
Driving golf balls
Getting skin cancer
Generalizing
Getting angry
Getting mad
Getting frustrated
Getting furious
Getting irritated
Using synonyms
Itching their back
Backing their itch
Cleaning the house
Being annoying
Being loud
Watching their Television
Watching their neighbor's Television
Waiting on the world to change
Greeting strangers
Driving a bus
Going to school
Sharpening a pencil
Watching the clock
Watching the neighbor's clock
Falling in love
Climbing out of the love they fell in
Writing their name backwards
Learning Spanish
Forgetting Spanish
Losing their voice
Taking a shower
Being abducted
Exploring their new horizons
Walking like a penguin
Being lame
Staring at goats
Saying “CHEESE”
Hating cheese
Partying because someone is still alive after a certain number of years
Making lists
Being critical
Trying to obtain Badgillionair status
Changing their Facebook status
Deleting the internet
Having a small fry
Shopping online
Getting a great deal
Finding out they got ripped off
Acting like a skunk
Trying to hear silence
Blowing in the wind
Fighting the urge to burst into song
Buying a house
Feeding their tiger
Reconnecting with old friends
Dyeing their hair
Being short
Talking Slowly
Finding their twin
Minimizing their already low self-confidence
Attempting to be invisible
Stepping in something
Making a pizza
Taking photos
Giving their cat a fiddle
Jumping over the moon
Making their dog laugh
Running away with the spoon
Doing a word search
Remembering their password
Lying to themselves
Eating ice cream with coca-cola at 3:00 AM in the middle of a park
Saving the lumberjack
Trying to make a frog and toad be friends
Running out of ideas
Stopping soon
Finishing the task
Writing the end

Credit for this idea goes to Mr. Bosma
He is not duckman approved

ADV TPW

The Biography of Haam

 At the moment, I am sitting in a dimly lit room all by myself, having the time of my life...

First of all, this biography may be short compared to all the other biographies you have read throughout your life, but you're just going to have to deal with it. You may also be wondering who Haam is. To help you better understand the biography, I will tell you that Haam is the locker of Max and I. Haam is a very loyal friend, who loves us dearly, which can be proved hence a love note in our locker (from Haam).

The Biography...


The Beginning:
Haam was born in the early 200s, near present day Italy. Haam lived in Italy for his whole childhood, but then later moved on to better and more important things. Haam's childhood only lasted for a mere 20 years, when Haam's parents kicked Haam out of the clan to live on Haam's own.

Family Information:

(All the information you need for Haam's family is in the above picture).

Lifetime Accomplishments:
Haam in known as the most accomplished locker in all of history. In fact, if Haam were a person, Haam would be considered the most accomplished human to ever live. This may seem like an exaggeration, but it's not. Trust me.
Haam has survived many of the world's difficulties including Black Death, helping to found Rome, Discovering the New World, and Inventing the Internet.

Important Events:


Black Death: In 1348, Haam was experimenting with strange chemicals for a science project Haam was working on. During the testing, Haam accidentally spilled some of the chemicals all over the ground. Haam tried to wipe up the mess before it was too late, however Haam was too late. The chemicals created a new bacteria which had spread miles within the first few seconds of being dropped. Haam was devastated that it would cause something this horrible. This bacteria then spread across most of Europe killing millions of people. Haam was afraid that Haam would be found out and put in prison for the rest of Haam's life. So Haam went into hiding for over a hundred years, waiting for Haam's time to be able to escape from Europe forever.

Discovering the New World: in 1492, nearly 150 years after creating the Black Death, Haam figured out how Haam could escape. Haam would help Christopher Columbus search for the New World. However, Chris didn't want Haam to come along, because he only wanted humans that were able to help. Sadly, Haam is a locker. So Haam decided to sneak on the ship in the middle of the night, so no one would ever know Haam was on the ship when it left the dock. The night before the ship left, Haam was able to sneak onto the ship. No one ever knew Haam had done this, until 2 days before they found the New World. When everyone had found Haam out, they were going to shove him overboard. However, Haam screamed as loud as Haam could, and pointed in a direction. Everyone wanted to know where Haam was pointed to, and looked the other way. To their surprise, Haam had found the New World.

Inventing the Internet: This is one of Haam's better work. One weekend, Haam was sitting in its basement all alone, because no one wanted to hang out with Haam. Haam got so bored that Haam decided to play with some cords and other electrical things like that. After 10 minutes of messing around and connecting wires to random things, Haam had created something. To Haam's surprise, Haam had created one of the greatest things known to man... the internet! At first Haam didn't know quite what to do. Haam first kept it a secret, then realized there wasn't really any point in that. So Haam told the world about Haam's discovery, and became very famous. To this day, people still use the internet. Big surprise, I know.

Founding Rome: While creating the internet, Haam also created a time machine. Haam decided to try out this time machine, and went back to 758 B.C. just for the fun of it. Little did Haam know, that this was the date when Rome was being founded. However, the founders weren't quite sure how to build Rome. With Haam's amazing brain, Haam created a blue print for the whole city and gave it to the builders. The builders used Haam's idea, and created Rome, which became a powerful city later on, thanks to Haam giving them the blue prints, and telling them how to run the government.


There you go. That's the biography of Haam, the greatest locker in the world.

Thanks to Alyssa for coming up with the brilliant idea for this post.

How to write a blog post 101

We are eating fruity snacks, while thinking of Bandit. We decided that we would write a few words that we say while creating a blog post, to show you that it is not a glamorous life style at all. Now take in mind that this may not be very funny to you, since you are not here while we write this. Here are some  random quotes while writing this.

"I am going outside to drive my Lamborghini. Hopefully I'll crash it so that I will only have 100."

"You idiot!" (Tony stole my fruity snacks).

"I couldn't resist!"

"Mom, can you get me some boiling water?"

"Don't forget to return the pile of diamonds I sent you for your birthday."

"You can't type that on our blog... everyone reads this... people would suspect things."

"Hey Thirsty, I'm Stupid."

"You just hit him in the butt."

"HeeeygrAHEAAHHHHHHHHA!"

"Why... Don't you look tasty today."

"We are going to tell them we have 'buisness' for 2 hours."

"Do we want $25 or a fire?"

"We don't come up with ideas for this blog. Aliens implant them in us."

"I don't have hands."

"I can't do it."

"Some of these need to be almost inspirational."

"And your mother."

"Bring Micheal Jackson Fliers."

 "This huge chunk like this: like this: fell onto the ground and we all blamed it on ********."

"That always reminds me of Mickey Mouse."

"WHAAAAT?"

"Wait, you're creating all those?"

"No, we are producing all those!"

"It is believed that the dinosaur sucked eggs all day long."

"Untouchable!"

"Well I guess we should get a quote from that one robot thing."

"I love Yooou"

"I asked where I could get some kabobs."

"There was an extra thing on there! What are you talking about, huh?"

ADV TPW

household items that contain gnomes

Right now I am talking on the phone with Max and typing this whole blog with my right hand only.

Waffle-Maker: gnomes hide inside this and try to close it shut on your hand when you try and put the waffle in.

Gas Stoves: they let the gas leak, so that when you try and light it, it will cause a huge explosion.

Toaster and Bathe-tub: when you are trying to take a bath, the gnomes will come and try to drop a toaster in the tub to electrify you.

(And now, with a turn of events, I have found a phone with the ability of a speaker, so I can now use both hands. It has been 52 minutes to find something like this.)

Couch: they rebuild your couch with a spike in it, so that when you sit down, the spike will hurt you.

Bed: when you are sleeping, they come and give you a bunch of paper cuts.

And now, life, according to Max.

I eat, I sleep, and I do some homework. I do very little else. Well, I run. And I stare out into the blackness hoping that Taylor will pick me up for breakfast. Well, I don't know. Nothing else comes to mind immediately.

Quotes:

"All generalizations are bad." - R.H. Grenier.

"The early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese." - Author Unknown

"Just because you're not paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you." - Colin Sautar

"I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes." - Author Unknown

An apple eaten by a boy named Franklin as he traveled to the mortuary

 

--Written by Trenten, who wrote it according to what Max told him to write over the phone. (A conversation lasting an hour and a half).

Canadian Words Everyone Should Know

Welcome! We realized that in our blog, we do not express what we do everyday. So we decided to devote the first sentence of some posts, to tell you what we are doing. However, we already broke this chain, seeing as though this is the third sentence, and we won't be telling you about our life until the fourth sentence. Crud! This is now the sixth sentence, so we can't tell you until the seventh! Or is this now the fifth sentence, because a sentence needs a noun, a verb, and a complete thought? Man, we screwed this up. We are starting over. 

We are eating pizza and drinking pop, except for one of us who is drinking apple juice.

Now... words that everyone should know in Canadian

Chesterfield: a sofa, or a couch.

Double-Double: a cup of coffee from Tim Horton's with two creams and two sugars.

Joe Job: low class, low paying job.

Tuque: a knitted winter hat.

And here they are in a sentence.

I leave my joe job, wearing my tuque, and return home to sit on my chesterfield while drinking a double-double.

Fun Facts:

Did you know that 110% of Americans can't tell the difference between ducks and squash?

Pigs can't look up at the sky.

A ducks quack doesn't echo.

The one discernible way to tell the difference between a squash and a duck is to have them screech. The one that makes a sound that echoes, is the squash.

It is illegal to catch a fish with a lasso in Texas.

Quotes:

"Putting the laughter back into manslaughter."

"When shooting a mime, don't use a silencer or his friends will hear you."

"I dream of a better tomorrow, where chickens can cross the road and not be questioned about their motives."

"Being dyslexic has its drawbacks. I once went to a toga party dressed as a goat."

"Imagine there were no hypothetical situations."

"Evening news is where they being with 'Good evening', and then proceed to tell you why it isn't."

ADV TPW

An aspiring music group.

Genre: Heavy Metal Death Band

The Band Members:

Jacob "The Coat" Ovmanicolours - Born in 1982, this man learned to sing by age 1, scream by age 2, and scream and sing at the same time by age 3. Ever since then he has been driving his parents insane with his wonderful voice. Rumor has it that he sends a new album he created every Christmas for them. They don't appreciate it, and re-gift it to their trash can.

Jacob, ready to perform.

Billy "The Goat" Gruff - Plays guitar with his flowing locks.  Most people wonder where his nickname came from. The simple answer is that it was his beard.  The difficult answer requires calculus, physics, and a bit of Swedish thinking.

Billy, about to strum the first bit of his solo.

Sparkles - Once a very successful unicorn, Sparkles decided to get a little work done. he had his horn sawed off by a leprechaun, and had plastic surgery to get more human features added to him. He plays drums.

Self-explanatory.

M. A. Skot - Plays bass, however has a side job at Walmart, where he happily serves the people.  He resides in Örnskoldsvik.

At his Job, Mr. Skot takes pride in his work.

A normal conversation for the Minions.

There we were. Sitting at the table, discussing the problems we now had to face.

"Now that Jared is gone, I feel as though I have a deep hole in my heart; a place where hope once thrived." Justin philosophicalized.

"You do remember the speech of how we are the defenders, right?" Max questioned, still full of the inspiration he had recieved not even 4 seconds ago.

Trenten slapped Him silly. "You fool!"

"Why do you always mock me! I'm never going to be your friends again!" Him wailed, and then stormed off.

"Well you better go apologize, again. You are always such a jerk to Him." Tony said. Everyone walked outside.

"Him! Him! Where are you?" Trenten pronounced.

Suddenly, off in the distance, a very large explosion of fire burst through the atmosphere. It screamed into the ground. Dirt and gravel rocketed into the air.

"Wow! I hope that didn't destroy the mini-mall!" Max exclaimed. "We should probably go and help."

"Suddenly, Justin turned around, sprinted toward his car, slid across the hood, and got in the car." Trenten narrated.

"Um, thanks?" Justin replied, "Get in."

Everyone jumped in the car. Justin slammed down on the gas pedal. The car screeched off. Justin took an immediate left turn. Max quickly threw a water bottle at Justin's head to let him know he was supposed to take a right turn. Justin pulled the emergency break, which shot wings out of the side doors.

"Dude, you have no wings!" Zak said to the car. He was correct, the car never actually had any wings after all. The car started falling toward the ground.
 
"Guess that means we should just give up," Lisa yelled.

"What? We are sooooo over," Max replied to Lisa, who he was talking to over the phone.

"Max, this is Man Time," Sheryl condoned.

"Well Lisa's right. We should all go home," everyone droned together simultaneously, just to be redundant. The car turned around and went home. Everyone went inside and went to sleep.

ADV TPW MJV

Our mission came in over the intercom.

"Eliminate the clowns who are threatening the children." the metallic voice drilled.  They sent a picture over the computer screen:

We all jumped up, ready to end this injustice. Justin hit his head on the ceiling and was knocked out. He collapsed to the ground.

"I'll let the night guy get him" Max explained, "Besides, we don't have time to drive him to the hospital. Just lay him on the bed"

Trenten picked him up and threw him to the couch, which collapsed under his weight.

"To the Duck Cave!" Max wailed, as we all hurdled Justin into the secret room.  We all hopped in the car, and Jared pulled out a calculator and a book.

"If i can just figure out the direct trajectory needed to land in McDonalds, our mission will be a lot easier!" Jared explained.  He scribbled on his page. After 2 minutes of very complicated physics equations, he yelled, "A ramp angled at 37.31 degrees will get us right on target!" Jared slammed the button with his hand, and then roared, "BYAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

The rocket boosters on the back lit up and fire flew out the back.  The car skyrocketed into the air. Then the engines died.

"Hold on boys! We're going down!" Jared caterwauled. The car landed straight into the ground and exploded. We were all thrown from the car, like a watermelon from a slingshot.

"We must continue onward!" Maxwell squealed. We all sprinted on.

"A shooting star!" I called. And I made my wish. Suddenly, music started playing. We all floated up in the air for a brief 35 seconds, blasting through the sky. Zak broke the sound barrier, which discombobulated all the Ninjas who were waiting for us when we would sprint by because their eardrums shattered.

"There it is!" Zak called. We all looked foward. There was the magical golden arches in the sky. Suddenly, the music stopped, and we plummeted to the ground.  Suddenly, bullets flew by our head.  A nearby man had pulled out his gun and shot at us. We ignored him and sprinted toward the restaurant. Finally, we arrived.

Yes! I thought, Time to save the idiosyncratic children!

I pulled at the door, but it wouldn't budge. I looked through the glass. Inside were two clowns, dressed as Ronald McDonald. They stared back at me.  They pulled out candlesticks and sprayed the toxic candle wax towards our faces.  Suddenly, Jared lit up.  He started floating in the air, energy pouring out of his pores. All the windows from the restaurant shattered as the wave of energy emitted from him. The clowns were disarmed and Jared floated over to them. He started punching them.

"This... is for everything... you've done to me!" Jared vociferated. Blue and red lights flashed from outside the resaurant. "Its time we leave." Jared grabbed us and flew us home. The last picture I saw as i looked back was this:

"What did they do to you?" Trenten asked.

"Oh, nothing. I saw it in an awesome movie once, and I thought it sounded cool," Jared replied, "But that is besides the point. Men, a new day will come, when darkness will pass.  We continue fighting, and now I understand why.  We have something to hold on to, a small bit of good in this world. Don't let the flame of goodness be covered by the hand of evil. We are the guardians. We must, and we will protect the good, and fight the injustice in the world until it is no more." And with that, Jared flew off into the sunrise, only to be seen again in our direst of needs.

ADV TPW MJV

Legend of the Small Fry

Look around. What do you see?

It's the last unicorn!!!

Well, besides seeing the last unicorn, what else do you see? Is it a sandwich, a pretzel, or maybe even a small fry? (It's okay if it's a small fry. We understand you are cheap, and don't want to get fat off McDonalds food).  In case you had never noticed, fries show up quite frequently in daily lives of oranges.  They also like Henry III, but that is a completely different story.  Now we are simply telling you the long renowned "Legend of the Small Fry."  Applesauce.  Anyway, that means you need to know about the history of small fries.

Small fries were first invented.  Then, some random guy named decided decided to eat them.  Everyone laughed at him so much that he was excommunicated from the cattle farm and he created his own roadside resteraunt.  The only item on his menu was the small fry, eventually causing this article of food to become incredibly famous.  In fact, they became so famous that people began talking about them as "a thing of legends."  A short time later they realized that if they wanted to say that, they actually had to write a legend.  So, they did.

Here we present to you, in its original wording, the legend of the Small Fry.

In magical (potato) village far far away (called McLand), a very small man existed. He was about 3' 8", but only in high heels.  He had not grown an inch since he was born. Alas, a wonderful woman, 3' 7" (in the very same high heels), came into his life.  This woman influenced him in many ways. First, she forced him to shower at least twice a month. Second, she started the nickname calling of everyone in the village.

"McSmallFry! McSmallFry!" she would yell, "How long, how long will you be mocked? The McDoubles have a fantastic life! Food on the table every day! Why don't you do anything you lazy bum?"

On and on, she would continue, day after day her droning went on. "McChicken this, McFlurry that." Finally, McSmallFry was fed up (not literally, he was starving!).  He said to this woman, "Well you're not so tall yourself pipsqueak!

At this, this woman transformed into a McDoubleQuarterPounder, pulled out her magic wand, and squealed, "You ungrateful McSmallFry! How dare you defy me? I will now put on you a magic spell!" And with that, McSmallFry was fried and served in a small paper wrapping.

ADV TPW

Mega Movie Monday Update #3 Find the Tony

It's Monday again so you know what that means... SCHOOL!!! Right? WRONG!!! (Not really but who cares.) It actually means a new Mega Movie Monday video. This one was made in a very short period of time. It is good though. There will be a special prize for the first viewer to successfully email all the correct answers of Tony's hiding spots to yourideaisawful@gmail.com. Well, I hope you enjoy Find the Tony!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I6Kbc4Z6vrU

Badges

Sorry about the awful formating. But now you can become a super badge man.


The First Edition of badges:

                                                                                           Points in all: 215 [  ]

Talk to me: Answer the phone in Spanish                                                                          [  ] 5

Slap Happy: Slap someone to the right of you 5 times                                                         [  ] 1

Ultra-Productive: Do nothing for 10 seconds                                                                     [  ] 3

Taste of Freedom: Lick the sidewalk                                                                                [  ] 4

Prosecutor: Be the LAW                                                                                                    [  ] 2

Bulging Eyes: Stare at a stranger for 10 seconds                                                                [  ] 2

Environmentalist: Hug 10 trees                                                                                        [  ] 1

I’m Crazy: Order crazy bread from Little Ceasar’s on Tuesday                                           [  ] 3

You’re the Boss: Show #2 who’s boss                                                                              [  ] 2

Graceful Bound: Jump down the stairs in 2 or less strides                                                   [  ] 3

Iron Lungs: Hold your breath for 30 seconds                                                                       [  ] 2

Part of the Band: Play rockband with 3 other people                                                         [  ] 4

Deaf Ear: Pretend to be listening to someone, but ignore the entire conversation                  [  ] 3

Hillbilly: Have a friend arrive while sitting in lawn chairs with no shirt on                               [  ] 5

Dinosaur Anti-Apocalypse: Eat an entire dinos and sharks fruit snack package                  [  ] 4

            In 10 seconds or less

We have liftoff: Throw a paper airplane 10 meters                                                             [  ] 5

Survive el Impossible: Lip-Sync an entire Justin Beiber song                                             [  ] 6

Bored much?: have a bowl of food while talking about the weather                                     [  ] 3

Dough Boy Jab: Jab your white friend in the belly                                                               [  ] 1

Got Milk?: Drink your 8 ounce glass of milk                                                                        [  ] 3

Friendly Hand: Give someone else you don’t know well a high five                                      [  ] 7

Creator: Write a new badge                                                                                               [  ] 3

Ninja: Steal someone elses badge                                                                                        [  ] 4

Thunder Thighs: Run up and down the stairs of at least 10 steps 3 times in

1 minute                                                                                                                  [  ] 4

Hurricane feet: Run around the house 3 times                                                                   [  ] 3

Badge Man: Achieve level 1                                                                                              [  ] 5

Old School: Rock out on the piano                                                                                      [  ] 3

Badge man: Reach level 2                                                                                                  [  ] 4

Badger: Reach Level 3                                                                                                       [  ] 6

Badgerific: Reach level 4                                                                                                    [  ] 8

Badgetastic: Reach Level 5                                                                                                 [  ] 10

Badgecredible: Reach Level 6                                                                                            [  ] 12

Elite Badgeboy: Reach Level 7                                                                                          [  ] 14

Badge Collector: Reach Level 8                                                                                         [  ] 16

Badge Relic: Reach Level 9                                                                                                [  ] 18

Badge-illionare: Reach Level 10                                                                                         [  ] 20

Hobbit: Play outside for 30 minutes without shoes on                                                            [  ] 6

Draw a blank: Be unable to come up with a badge for 30 seconds                                        [  ] 4

Schooled: Count to 100 while another person is talking                                                         [  ] 5

Poser: Fake an injury                                                                                                            [  ] 3

Country Terror: Listen to an entire Hannah Montana song                                                    [  ] 5

Almost Free: Jump off a swing                                                                                              [  ] 1

ADV TPW MJV

50 of our favorite things

In honour of our 50th post, we decided to tell you 50 of our favorite things.

1. Toast

2. Frogs
3. Corn
4. You
5. Umbrellas
6. Pistachios
7. The Office
8. LOST
9. Root Beer
10. The number 10
11. Running
12. Duckman
13. Making movies
14. Generalizing
15. The Purple Gorilla

16. All reals > 4
17. Unicorns
18. Double Rainbows
19. Breakfast
20. Hot dogs
21. Cheese
22. Small Fries
23. Monopoly
24. Inside Jokes
25. Jokes told inside
26. Redundancy
27. Speell Chekc
28. Chuck Norris

29. Printers
30. Junk food
31. Holding our breath
32. Mints
33. Algebra
34. Peanuts

35. Pants

36. Dictionaries

37. The Saurus

38. Jurassic Park

39. Clocks

40. Time

41. Elephant Soup

42. Standardized Tests

43. Laziness

44. Typing Lists

45. CAPS LOCK

46. 50 of our least favorite things*

47. Bologna

48. November

49. Platypus

50. Cupboards

*50 of our least favorite things

1. Tripping

2. Under Water

3. Licking Envelopes

4. Poison Ivy

5. Parked Cars

6. Beavers

7. Stalkers

8. Nose Hairs

9. Broccoli

10. That thing

11. Imagination

12. Carrot Haters

13. Absence of Eraser

14. Flamingos

15. Anti-Unicorns

16. All reals < 4

17. Ice Cream Trucks

18. Roller Coasters

19. Changing the subject

20. Group Discussion

21. Cheese

22. Thinking outside the box

23. Forgetting to pull the paper out of your fortune cookie

24. Coconuts

25. Fritos

26. Twilight

27. Reading

28. Glow sticks

29. Swallowing a watermelon whole

30. Swing Dancing

31. Greeting others

32. Saying Goodbye

33. Etiquette

34. Spleling

35. Generalizations

36. Contradictions

37. The number 37

38. Running without scissors

39. Running with pants

40. cAPITALIZATION

45. Skipping numbers 41-44

46. 50 of our favorite things

47. The flavor of the day

48. F7

49. Pressing Alt+F4

50. Staples (that was easy)

Motivation

Need a little something to pick you up in that down part of your life (like, all of it)?  How's this for inspirational?

Just when you feel like you can't make it...

... you are probably right.

And when you know you are the best you can be...

...you'll only wish you were wrong.

If you are running the race hard and strong...

...you are still going to lose.

And if you just keep fighting till the end...

...they'll just go into overtime.

Now you are as ready to take on the world as this little guy!

Never mind, he would kill you in a fight.

A few simple quotes

Since SOMEBODY decided the blog wasn't important to do tonight, I will publish a quick laugh.  Don't worry, the person who achieved this level of failure will be severely punished.

My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was sixty. She's ninety-seven now, and we don't know where she is. -Ellen DeGeneres

Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic, and so am I. -Oscar Levant

The consumer isn't a moron; she is your wife. -David Ogilvy

Eat drink and be merry, for tomorrow they may make it illegal.   

It's hard to soar like an eagle when you're surrounded by turkeys.   

Eat a live toad in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day.   

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.

ADV

The TRUTH of evolution...

 This is the TRUTH of how humans evolved from apes...

How did they change their bones?
A long time ago, before humans were "invented", there were a whole bunch of apes with a very strange plan. The apes wanted to see how many of them they could fit in the branch of a tree. The first one climbed up the tree to a branch that was 50 feet above the ground. Another ape saw what the first ape did and wanted to try as well. Soon, all kinds of apes started climbing the tree and were sitting in the branch. The branch started to sag from all the weight of the apes. Some of them were getting quite scared, and so they decided to climb back down. However, it was too late by then. A beaver had come be the tree and started chewing through it. The beaver chewed through the whole thing and the tree fell down. The apes fell from the tree and landed on the ground head first. This caused the apes "curved" backs to break terribly. Their backs were broken so badly that it forced them to become straight, like a humans back. The huge fall also caused their legs, arms, hands and feet to break. The apes tried to fix their bones with surgery, but they didn't have the right technology or the knowledge to do it correctly. So they got a bunch of glue and glued their bones back together. However, they glued them back together incorrectly, so they looked, and worked like, human arms, legs, hands and feet. Along with breaking all their other bones, the apes also smashed their faces in, causing it to look long, to spherical like a humans.

What about their hairy bodies?
Well, after the fall, one of the apes realized that he was sick of his hairy body. He told everyone else this, and they all agreed with him. Another ape in the community stood up and started talking to everyone. He said, "If everyone is sick of having hairy bodies, we can just all get laser hair removal. A few years ago I got bored on a Saturday afternoon and decided to build one in my garage. I then proceeded to test it on my pet gorilla, and it actually worked." The other apes agreed to get their hair removed by his laser-hair-removal machine.


What about their brains?
When the apes fell, their brains were severely injured in the process and somehow their brains got a whole lot smarter than what they were before.

How did their children look like humans if they didn't technically go through the process of Natural Selection?
When a child was born, the parents would check to see if they looked like an ape or a human. If they looked like an ape, they would then proceed to drop the child from a high tree branch so their bones would break and look like a human. (Sounds harsh, I know. But it worked, and the children were glad they had to go through this). Soon enough, the children knew to be born looking like a human so they wouldn't have to go through this painful operation. So now, to this day, humans populate the world.


How come there are still apes to this day?
The answer to this is very obvious. Not all the apes fell from the tree originally, so there were still apes living in the world, and they continued to populate, and they still do to this day.


So, what do you think about my theory? Is it better than the theory of evolution? Or not? Please leave your thoughts in the comments section. We also welcome you to share your own "pretend" theory with us. You can type it out in the comment section or send it to yourideaisawful@gmail.com. We would love to hear your own ideas.

A few locations you've never known.

1.The Entrance into Narnia - Well, to access the Magic Door of Narnia, you must complete 3 tasks.  First, you must stuff a 2 humped camel through the eye of a needle.  Second, you must take the needle and shoot it at a 20 foot steel-enforced concrete wall to hit a button the size of an egg.  This button opens the Chamber of Failure.  In the Chamber of Failure, you must win the Ants in the Pants Sprint Tournament Cup against 128 different teams. And, as the final task, your name must be Gerald P. Yäkstööl.  If you change your name during the tasks, you must start over or risk spending the rest of your life in Agartha.

2. Sunk city of Atlantis - (See the second paragraph in a previous post)

3. Unicorn Isle - Most people have not heard of this magical place.  This is where a fortunate few can eat from the hands of these majestic beasts.  For breakfast they eat rainbows, for lunch beef, and for dinner, they eat magic, sparkles, and gold.

“It is a truly wise man who does not play leap frog with a unicorn”

4. Duckman's Abode -This is where Duckman resides.  He commands his minions from here.  He possesses large amounts of wealth, which he uses for the benefit of the world. He actually uses some of his stockpile to feed the unicorns in Unicorn Isle. 

A very small portion of his gold.

5. Secret Underground Lair - This secret underground lair is located somewhere in Antarctica. However, no one really knows the exact location of it. But how is it possible to have a secret underground lair, when you don't even know where it is? This is a very good question. The answer is that this lair is controlled by groundhogs. Over the years, many of the great leaders in the groundhog community have gotten together and formed an alliance. They meet in this secret lair every month to discuss their plans how to control the world. Their plan will never work, however, since the groundhogs that leave the lair have to way to get back to it without freezing to death in the process.

6. Land of the Undead - The land of the undead sounds like a really cool place, though in all reality, it's not. In fact, this place is just like every other place with living people. Just take a look at the name... (Land of the Undead). This means it is the "Land of the Living". And we all know that every other place with living humans can also be considered "Land of the Living". What's the point of this place then? Well, back in the 1400's, a man, who shall not be named, was rejected for his terrible ideas. He decided to then leave the human population and create a place that he thought was very cool. He named it "Land of the Undead" thinking that he could trick people into thinking that there were actual "living" "dead" people there. He did trick many people, and they ended inhabiting the island, which still has people living on it to this very day.

7. Polyphemus' Area - This particular area first made its appearance on the map when Odysseus landed here.  No one is exactly sure how he missed all of the other continents and landed in the middle of the Pacific Ocean. After Odysseus left, Polyphemus (the cyclopes) regrew his eye.  Some experts believe this quote has something to do with it: 

"Hey! You moron! This map is upside down" -Odysseus, to his navigator.

8. Lost Dutchman's Gold Mine - Located in the western region of the United States. This place is just like any other ordinary gold mine, except for the fact that it was created by 'The Lost Dutchman'. He used to be known as 'The Dutchman', until one day he figured out that he had no idea where he was. He then proceeded to leave a note in the middle of the desert saying how he was lost. Here is that note: 

"Day 672, I have been wandering this place for many days now. Although many may not think so, this place is actually quite nice. You don't have to worry about not being able to get a sun tan, or worry about having your water-allergic-plants get any water. Oh, and by the way, I am lost. So with the last few days of my life, I decided to create a gold mine, in honor of sand. Sincerely, the Dutchman (who is lost)."

And because of this note, archeologists decided to name this place the "Lost Dutchman's Gold Mine" in honor of the Dutchman who was lost, and who built a gold mine.

9. Super Oasis of the Sahara -This is the most secret area of them all.  This area was discovered when Duckman was running through the Sahara on an afternoon jog and founded this place as his own. Believe it or not, a lake filled with Chocolate milk exists here, and brings happiness to the surrounding nothingness.  Duckman built his second home here.  He keeps his stockpile of large diamonds, rubies, sapphires, emeralds, and pearls. This pile covers the area of 25 football fields, and stretches 200 feet in height.

ADV

Words You've always wanted to know (subconciously)

Once again, the noble team at Duckman Connections decided, in order to help our viewers gain knowledge and understanding, will further your vocabulary.

Ayrshire - one of a Scottish breed of hardy dairy cattle having long, curving horns.

A very large example of an Ayrshire. A normal sized Ayrshire is pictured directly underneath the larger one.  The larger Ayrshire is even taller than the surrounding trees.

Acris - cricket frogs.

Well, duh. Do i need to explain everything?

Kilij - a Turkish saber with a crescent-shaped blade, sharp on the entire convex edge and sharp on the opposite edge for about 8 in. back from the point.

Wow, that curve almost looks useful.

Cerapteryx - antler moths.

Can you find the comma in this picture?

Tichodrome - crimson-and-grey songbird that inhabits town walls and mountain cliffs of southern Eurasia and northern Africa.

And apparently white and brown. Just look at those wings.

Now you are informed. Go confuse others!

ADV

Mysteries of the Mind

Mysteries of the Mind

The mind is one of the most complex things of the human. In fact, there any many, many things that scientists’ have yet to discover about the brain, many of which may never be explained.

Lucid Dreaming: A lucid dream, in simplest terms, is a dream in which one is aware that one is dreaming. Lucid dreams can start two different ways. The first is a dream-initiated lucid dream (DILD). Your dream starts out normal, but then you eventually conclude it is a dream. The other is a wake-initiated lucid dream (WILD). This occurs when the dreamer goes from a normal waking state directly into a dream state, with no apparent lapse in consciousness.

There are different ways to try to have lucid dreams. However, being attempting lucid dreaming, scientists say to keep a “dream journal” to help you remember your dreams. Doing so will result in a higher chance of realizing you are in a dream, in which case you can control it.

One of the most common things people think of is the pain test. Many people think that if they pinch themselves, they will realize they are dreaming. However, when dreaming you mind can make your body perceive pain, even though the body is not experiencing the physical stimulus. This applies for other sensation, such as pleasure, heat, cold and many other “waking world” experiences.

Another test is to look at text or a digital watch (remembering the words, or the time on the clock). In dreams, the text or time will probably change randomly at the second glance or contain strange letters and characters.

Other tests include flipping a light switch (light level rarely change because of the switch flipping in dreams), and looking into a mirror (reflections from a mirror, in dreams, often appear to be blurred, distorted, incorrect, or frightening).

Déjà Vu: The experience of feeling sure that one has witnesses or experienced a new situation previously (an individual feels as though an even has already happened or has happened in the recent past), although the exact circumstances of the previous encounter are uncertain. The most likely explanation of déjà vu is not that it is an act of “precognition” or “prophecy” but rather that it is an anomaly of memory, giving the impression that an experience is “being recalled”. Déjà Vu can be similar to the phenomenon called “tip of the tongue” which is when someone cannot recall a familiar word or name or situation, but with effort will eventually recall the elusive memory. In contrast, déjà vu is a feeling that the present situation has occurred before, but the details are elusive because the situation never happened before.

Precognition: It is also called future sight, and refers to perception that involves the acquisition of future information that cannot be deduced from presently available and normally acquired sense-based information (or in simple words… When someone “sees” into the future and knows what is going to happen). This phenomenon is also not accepted by the scientific community, because no replicable demonstration has ever been achieved. Precognition can also occur in dreams, where the dreamer will have a dream about something in the future. However, these instances are usually just a coincidence.

As Robert Todd Carroll said in his “Law of Large Numbers”, “Say the odds are a million to one that when a person has a dream of an airplane crash, there is an airplane crash the next day. With 6 billion people having an average of 250 dream themes each per night, there should be about 1.5 million people a day who have dreams that seem clairvoyant.”

If you want to learn more about these mysteries of the mind, and other mysteries of the mind, feel free to look around the internet.

Thanks to Wikipedia for giving me most of the information for this post, and to Alyssa for giving me the idea.

And some quotes by Demetri Martin:

“I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that’s 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says ‘go outside.’”

“I like when good things happen to me, but I wait two weeks to tell anyone because I like to use the word ‘fortnight.’”

“Saying ‘I’m sorry’ is the same as saying ‘I apologize.’ Except at a funeral.”

“A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he’s persuasive. ‘Dude make a left.’ ‘Those are trees…’ ‘Trust me.’

I was on the street. This guy waved to me, and he came up to me and said, “I’m sorry, I thought you were someone else.” And I said, “I am.”

 I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.