Experience in Vietnam

This update comes to us from Duckman's past. Or does it. Yes it does. Don't question the D-man.

From Duckman's own diary

          It all started on my first mission back in 'Nam. I had a few loyal companions but that didn't stop them from filling my M-16 with blanks. One minute i thought that i had all the nammers in the bag but then the next minute, I had lit up my nest like a flare. Amidst the flying bullets, I kept my cool while my buddy was having a neck spasm. I didn't know what to do so I pretended to have been shot and killed. Through my twitching eyelids, I saw the whole Viet Cong army (yes, all 1.34 million) advancing past me and pushing our men back against the men behind them. As soon as i saw the last of the congers amble about fifty yards past me, I scrambled up and quickly hustled to grab a jersey from one of the enemy's fallen men. Although it felt like disloyalty, I prayed that my scheme would work, stripped down to my diaper, and put on his jersey. I felt as if everybody could see right through my outfit and knew that I was bluffing so I quickly caught up to the the gals in the rear of the pack and tried to fit in. There was on minor problem. I was at least one metre taller than even the men on their horses and my firearm was chrome colored. I threw on the silencer on my M-16 and silently popped the person right in front of me with a blank. I casually traded weapons and then tried to make a scene while re-swapping weapons to make it look like i stole one of the other team's clearly better guns. Conveniently, all of the ammo produced in the world during the 1960s was interchangeable, so i just scooped up normal ammunition as i needed and threw it in the magazine, replacing the blanks. For some reason, I suddenly remembered duckmom and how much she had gone through to raise me during my childhood so i started to weep aloud. Then I recalled that this was WAR and no one in any war can cry. Randomly, I turned the dial on my utility watch to sport mode so that I could call in an air-strike on my present location. I paged rent-a-car and requested the man to bring me a 1987 mini cooper by helicopter. About 6 minutes later, I heard the familiar sound of whirling blades above me. I glanced up and saw four wheels and a tin can falling from the Chinook. No later than it contacted the ground, I had wheeled it behind the nearby boulder. I whipped out my handy dandy soldering gun and welded that sucker together. When I was finished, I was so thirsty that I unzipped my fanny-pack and pulled out my grape juice sack and penetrated it with a straw like object. I  then sucked all of the stuff out of that sack and tossed it on the ground to litter in Vietnam. I saw that the Viet Cong troops had gone about 80 metres ahead so i flung all of my grenades over in their direction. Unfortunately all I had were flash-bangs, I didn't throw them far enough,and I was the only one that was facing them. Suddenly I saw a bright flash and heard a loud bang so I instinctively ducked behind my mini cooper and covered my noggin.Unfortunately all of my men were following me with infared goggles from the safety of their tank. They were all momentarily blinded because of the flash which caused them all to rip out their sabers from their sheaths and start fighting. I puffed on my perv whistle causing all of the enemy's men to turn around and gawk (don't ask don't tell) at the uninvited visitor (me). I instantly scooted in to my mini cooper and peeled out leaving all the other men to stare and whistle at my swagger wagon.I gave them a wave and drove back to my base just as the first of the air-strike began to strike amidst the enemy. And I lived happily ever after

Farewell.