Reflections

As we approach the end of another momentous year, I wanted to invite all of you to take some time and reflect on all the things that brought us to this moment. As you work through reflection on your own life story, I'll share a few tidbits from my own past.

It all started the day I was born. My mother gave birth to me at Walter B. Tutelage Hospital located essentially in the middle of the wilderness somewhere in Wyoming. My parents had chosen this hospital due to their belief that man and wolf should be cared for in the same facility.

My birth had many complications (all having to do with my physical appearance) and so the nurse brought me to the NICU to speed up my recovery. After what seemed liked an eternity for me at the time, I was finally deemed ready for the real world. The nurse wheeled me back to my parents room and they prepped me to go home.

This is where the first mix-up occurred. The nurse had mistaken the pup next to me for myself and brought him over to my parents. My parents assumed the physical appearance of the pup was due to my birth complication and paid no further attention to it. The wolf parents did notice, but were too afraid to say anything to the nurse as many of the employees of the hospital with in disagreement with Management surrounding the decision to allow wolves into the hospital, and often mistreated any wolves who spoke up. I was just happy that anyone wanted to take me home.

I was informed that it was around my 7th birthday when my parents finally realized they had taken the wrong baby home that fateful night at the hospital. The realization had come just a moment too late, as at this point I had been on my own for almost five years. My wolf parents tried their best to take care of me at first, but they had difficulty finding a place to live. When they first arrived to their pack with me, they were ostracized due to taking in a human child. The dynamics surrounding human and wolf interactions at that time was quite complicated and frankly I don't have time to delve into that aspect of that story at this time.

For two years my parents wandered around the country looking for a new place to live, as did my wolf parents.  Eventually they determined that I was the cause of all their demise and left me to fend for myself. As a young, spry two-year-old, I was ready to take on the world and prove my worth. I don't remember much of the next five years, except that I obtained a habit of licking dishes. Although I had been away from civilization for many years, I knew that this was a habit I would need to hide as it wouldn't be widely accepted amongst my peers.

My childhood from seven until eighteen was as uneventful as 1453. In college I decided to live on my own to help keep my dish-licking obsession to myself. I eventually married the second love of my life (dish-licking being the first, obviously) all while keeping my obsession hidden away. At first I was careful, but as the years went on I started to become more and more lazy. 

One thing led to another, and for the last few years I've been wandering the streets looking for any food establishment that might have left their doors unlocked for the night to allow me unfettered access to a stash of dishes. 

Enough about myself. Please share in the comments something fun that you did this last year! I find it is always fun to take some time to reflect and share with others what brings you joy. 

Dostoevsky - The Syndicate Pt. 2

Click HERE for Part 1

 This is the (continued) story of a man living a life very unlike our own. Yet in many ways, his life parallels our own, through musings and dreams that permeate our everday thoughts. Join us tonight as we venture into the mind of a man we can truly understand but never fully comprehend.

Dostoevsky is - 'The Syndicate'

----

September 5
Barnabas,
I have made a grave error. It seems that the C.C.C. days have created chaos rather than the utopia we envisioned. The manager, furious at our rebellion, has implemented strict rules and regulations, and chaos reigns in the workplace. My attempt at breaking free has led to unintended consequences, and I fear the worst is yet to come.
Regretfully,
M. Dostoevsky

----

September 12
Barnabas,
The syndicate is growing stronger. We have formed a secret alliance, a brotherhood of UPS delivery men and women who share a common goal: liberation from the oppressive management. Our meetings are held in utmost secrecy, behind stacks of boxes and in the dimly lit corners of the sorting room. We exchange coded messages and plan our next move. The revolution is quietly brewing, and I find solace in the camaraderie of like-minded souls.
In solidarity,
M. Dostoevsky

----

September 15
Dear Barnabas,
Today, a fellow syndicate member was caught distributing pamphlets detailing our cause. The management, in a fit of rage, declared an all-out war on our rebellion. The office has become a battleground, with tensions escalating. Colleagues once friendly now eye each other suspiciously. The fate of our movement hangs in the balance, and I fear that the storm we've unleashed may consume us all.
Courageously yours,
M. Dostoevsky

----

September 26
Barnabas,
The syndicate faces its first major setback. Our attempts to organize a strike were met with severe consequences. The management, tightening its grip, fired several of our key members, leaving us weakened and demoralized. The air is thick with tension, and I can sense the fear among us. Yet, in the darkest of times, the embers of rebellion still burn, and we must find a way to rekindle the flame.
Resiliently,
M. Dostoevsky

----

October 2
My dearest Barnabas,
The syndicate is on the verge of collapse. The once vibrant spirit of resistance is fading, and many have lost hope. In a desperate attempt to salvage our cause, I have decided to confront the manager directly. Tomorrow, I will request a meeting to negotiate our terms and seek a peaceful resolution. The outcome is uncertain, but I am willing to risk everything for the dream of a better, box-stacking world.
Bravely,
M. Dostoevsky

----

October 9
Barnabas,
The meeting was both a success and a failure. The manager, surprisingly open to dialogue, agreed to lift some of the oppressive rules. However, our demand for complete autonomy was met with staunch refusal. The compromise leaves us in a delicate position, balancing on the edge of rebellion and compliance. The syndicate lives on, albeit wounded, and I am left pondering the complexities of the human spirit and the struggle for freedom.
Reflectively,
M. Dostoevsky

Shadows of Harmony: The Unifier's Tale

Chapter 1: A Hare-raising Opportunity

Once upon a time in the bustling boroughs of New York City, there lived a rabbit named Roger Hoppington. Unlike your average bunny, Roger wasn't content with nibbling on carrots and hopping through meadows. No, Roger had bigger dreams—he wanted to be the greatest rabbit salesman the city had ever seen.

One sunny morning, as the city awoke to the rhythmic hustle and bustle, Roger hopped out of his cozy burrow in Central Park. His whiskers twitched with excitement as he surveyed the skyscrapers towering over him. Today was the day he would embark on a hare-raising adventure that would either make him the talk of the town or leave him with a carrot-sized heartbreak.

As Roger hopped down the crowded streets of Manhattan, he couldn't help but notice the diversity of businesses lining the sidewalks. The scent of hot pretzels wafted through the air, mixing with the aroma of roasted coffee beans. The city was alive with possibilities.

Ahead, Roger saw two enticing opportunities. To the left was a shiny glass door with a sign that read "Carrot Couture: High-End Vegetable Fashion." To the right, a neon light flickered above a shop named "Bunny Bazaar: Everything a Rabbit Needs."

Chapter 2: Bunny Bazaar Bonanza

Excitement bubbling in his cotton-tail, Roger hopped towards the inviting glow of the Bunny Bazaar. The door chimed as he entered, and the sight that greeted him was nothing short of a rabbit's paradise.

The Bunny Bazaar was a wonderland of shelves stocked with an array of rabbit-centric goods. From plush burrows to carrot-flavored toothpaste, they had it all. Roger's eyes widened with delight as he surveyed the aisles.

Chapter 3: Job Hoppington

With determination in his heart, Roger hopped over to the counter where a friendly rabbit with glasses greeted him. "Hello there! Welcome to Bunny Bazaar. How can I assist you today?"

Roger hesitated for a moment, then straightened his ears and declared, "I'm Roger Hoppington, and I'm on a quest to become the greatest rabbit salesman in New York City! Do you have any job openings that might fit a go-getter like me?"

The rabbit behind the counter, named Flopsy, smiled and said, "Well, Roger, we're always on the lookout for enthusiastic hoppers like yourself. We have a position open in our promotions department. You'd be spreading the joy of Bunny Bazaar to every corner of the city!"

Chapter 4: Hoppington's Promotion Adventure

Roger's heart thumped with excitement as he accepted the position in the promotions department. Flopsy handed him a bright orange jumpsuit and a basket filled with Bunny Bazaar brochures.

"Your mission, Roger, is to spread the word about Bunny Bazaar far and wide. Visit parks, street corners, and any place where rabbits might be. And of course, have fun doing it!"

Eager to make his mark, Roger hopped into action. The city became his playground as he handed out brochures, shared bunny anecdotes, and even performed a few impromptu hops to attract attention. Before long, the name "Roger Hoppington" was synonymous with Bunny Bazaar across the city.

Chapter 5: The Gala Gambit

With a snazzy bowtie secured around his neck, Roger hopped into the glamorous Bunny Bazaar Annual Gala. The room was filled with rabbits dressed in their finest fur, nibbling on gourmet carrots and discussing the latest trends in the rabbit world.

As Roger mingled through the crowd, he spotted influential rabbits from the world of business, fashion, and even a famous carrot farmer. This was his chance to make connections that could propel his rabbit salesmanship to new heights.

Chapter 6: Carrot Connoisseur Collaboration

Roger confidently hopped over to the esteemed carrot farmer, known as Mr. Crunchington. The distinguished rabbit was easily recognizable by his perfectly groomed whiskers and carrot-themed bowtie.

"Mr. Crunchington," Roger began with a polite bow, "I'm Roger Hoppington, the enthusiastic rabbit from Bunny Bazaar. I couldn't help but notice your exquisite taste in carrots. What do you say we collaborate to create a special line of gourmet carrots exclusively for Bunny Bazaar?"

Mr. Crunchington's eyes twinkled with interest. "A collaboration, you say? I've always believed that rabbits deserve the finest carrots. Let's make it happen, Mr. Hoppington!"

The collaboration was a success, and soon, the Bunny Bazaar shelves were adorned with Crunchington's Carrot Connoisseur Collection. The city's rabbits couldn't resist the allure of these premium carrots, and Bunny Bazaar's popularity soared to new heights.

Chapter 7: Hare's Hidden Hustle

In a twist of fate, Roger's entrepreneurial spirit took a clandestine turn. Beneath the glitzy exterior of Bunny Bazaar, he established a secret black market catering to the more adventurous rabbits of the city. The regular customers were oblivious to the covert activities happening right under their twitching noses.

Roger, now known as "The Shadow Hopper," operated his secret empire with finesse. From rare herbs to underground burrow blueprints, rabbits could find anything they desired in this hidden world. The city's underbelly of rabbits with a taste for the extraordinary soon became loyal patrons.

But with great secrecy came great risks. Roger found himself entangled in a web of intrigue and had to navigate the dangerous game of maintaining the public face of Bunny Bazaar while managing the covert dealings of the black market.

Chapter 8: Shadow's Gambit

Emboldened by the thrill of the clandestine underworld, Roger, now known as The Shadow Hopper, decided to expand his black market operations. The demand for exotic and forbidden goods among the city's rabbits was insatiable, and Roger was determined to be the supplier of choice.

The secret dealings flourished, and The Shadow Hopper became a legendary figure among the rabbits who dared to venture into the mysterious world beneath Bunny Bazaar. However, with every success came increased risks, and Roger found himself entangled in a web of rivalries and secrecy.

One fateful night, a mysterious figure approached Roger in the dimly lit alley behind Bunny Bazaar. "Shadow, your empire has grown, but so have the dangers. There are whispers of a rival underworld emerging. You must decide your next move wisely."

Chapter 9: Shadow's Alliance

Determined to solidify his position in the shadowy rabbit underworld, Roger sought alliances with other mysterious figures who operated in the hidden corners of the city. The meeting took place in an abandoned burrow deep beneath Central Park, where the air was thick with intrigue.

As The Shadow Hopper, Roger faced a diverse group of characters—a tech-savvy rabbit known as Byte Bunny, a master of disguise named Phantom Paws, and a shrewd information broker known simply as Whisker Whisperer. The alliance was formed, and together they plotted to strengthen their hold on the illicit rabbit trade.

However, with alliances came betrayals, and The Shadow Hopper soon found himself entangled in a web of conflicting interests. The once covert world beneath Bunny Bazaar became a battleground of rival factions, each vying for dominance.

Chapter 10: Shadows Collide

Emboldened by the alliances he had forged, The Shadow Hopper decided to double down on his quest for ultimate control over the illicit rabbit trade. Together with Byte Bunny, Phantom Paws, and Whisker Whisperer, they devised ambitious plans to expand their influence across the city.

The underground rabbit world was in chaos as rival factions clashed for supremacy. The Shadow Hopper's alliance engaged in covert operations, using a network of secret tunnels and coded messages to outmaneuver their opponents. However, the risks were higher than ever, and the once-thriving Bunny Bazaar above ground began to suffer from the shadows cast below.

One night, a mysterious message arrived, hinting at a betrayal within the alliance. The tension in the underground world reached a boiling point, and The Shadow Hopper knew that a decisive move was necessary.

Chapter 11: Shadows Unveiled

With determination burning in his eyes, The Shadow Hopper confronted the suspected traitor, a shadowy figure known as Eclipse Ears, in the dimly lit tunnels beneath Bunny Bazaar. The tension in the air was palpable as the two rabbits faced each other.

"Eclipse Ears, I know there's a traitor among us. It's time to reveal yourself," declared The Shadow Hopper, his whiskers twitching with intensity.

Eclipse Ears hesitated for a moment before stepping into the faint light. "You were always a step ahead, Shadow. But it's time for a new leader in this underworld, and I'm willing to take the risk."

The revelation sent shockwaves through the alliance, and before anyone could react, the tunnels echoed with the sounds of a fierce underground battle. The once-united group of rabbits was now torn apart by internal strife.

Chapter 12: Shadow's Triumph

With a determined spirit, The Shadow Hopper led the charge against Eclipse Ears in the fierce underground battle. The tunnels reverberated with the clash of paws and the thump of determined hearts as the two factions fought for dominance.

The Shadow Hopper's strategic prowess and alliances paid off, and slowly but surely, Eclipse Ears and his followers were pushed back. The once-chaotic underground world began to settle, and The Shadow Hopper emerged victorious, reclaiming control over the illicit rabbit trade.

However, the cost of the battle was evident. The once-thriving Bunny Bazaar above ground had suffered, its reputation tainted by the shadows that lurked beneath. The city's rabbits were wary, and The Shadow Hopper realized that a choice had to be made.

Chapter 13: Shadows Persist

Embracing the shadows that had become an integral part of his identity, The Shadow Hopper chose to continue operating in the covert rabbit underworld. With Eclipse Ears defeated, he sought to rebuild Bunny Bazaar's reputation through discreet means.

The black market thrived under The Shadow Hopper's strategic guidance, and while the legitimate side of Bunny Bazaar struggled, the hidden operations brought in profits that surpassed even the wildest dreams. The city's rabbits, unaware of the clandestine dealings, began to rediscover the allure of Bunny Bazaar.

Yet, the shadows cast by The Shadow Hopper grew longer and darker. The risks of operating in the hidden rabbit underworld were ever-present, and maintaining the delicate balance between the legitimate and illicit sides of Bunny Bazaar became increasingly challenging.

Chapter 14: Shadows Ascendant

Undeterred by the risks, The Shadow Hopper decided to take even greater risks, expanding the black market to new heights of secrecy and sophistication. The rabbit underworld became a labyrinth of covert operations, with The Shadow Hopper orchestrating intricate schemes to stay one step ahead of any potential threats.

Underground tunnels were fortified, coded messages became even more cryptic, and alliances with other shadowy figures were forged. The black market thrived, offering rabbits the most exotic and forbidden goods imaginable.

However, the city's rabbits began to sense an increasing unease, a feeling that the shadows cast by The Shadow Hopper were growing too long. Rumors circulated, whispers of a mysterious figure manipulating the underground world for their own gain.

Chapter 15: Shadows' Endgame

Determined to solidify his dominance in the hidden rabbit underworld, The Shadow Hopper intensified efforts to eliminate any threats to his empire. Covert meetings were held, and strategic maneuvers were executed with precision.

However, the shadows were unforgiving, and as The Shadow Hopper delved deeper into the labyrinth of secrecy, he discovered that a rival faction, known as the Midnight Marauders, was gaining strength. The underground war escalated, with each side plotting and counter-plotting in the shadows.

One fateful night, The Shadow Hopper received a mysterious message—an invitation to a clandestine meeting with the leaders of the Midnight Marauders. The fate of the hidden rabbit underworld hung in the balance.

Chapter 16: Shadows Collide (Again)

Refusing the invitation, The Shadow Hopper decided to confront the Midnight Marauders head-on, determined to assert his dominance in the hidden rabbit underworld. The meeting took place in the depths of an abandoned burrow, the air thick with tension as the leaders of both factions faced each other.

"We've grown tired of your shadowy games, Shadow Hopper," sneered the leader of the Midnight Marauders, a rabbit with piercing eyes named Luna Lurkington. "It's time for a new ruler in the hidden world beneath Bunny Bazaar."

The underground war erupted into a fierce battle, with The Shadow Hopper and Luna Lurkington at the forefront. Tunnels echoed with the clash of paws and the glow of hidden magic. As the battle raged, The Shadow Hopper realized that the cost of these shadows had become too high.

Chapter 17: Shadows' Last Stand

Determined to fight to the bitter end, The Shadow Hopper rallied his loyal followers in a last stand against the Midnight Marauders. The underground battle reached its climax, the tunnels echoing with the intensity of the clash.

As the rival factions fought, The Shadow Hopper faced Luna Lurkington in a showdown that would determine the fate of the hidden rabbit underworld. Each move was calculated, each strike delivered with precision.

But, as shadows often do, they began to dissipate. The cost of the underground war was evident, and The Shadow Hopper realized that the once-thriving Bunny Bazaar above ground had suffered irreparable damage.

In a final, desperate move, The Shadow Hopper and Luna Lurkington locked eyes, both realizing that the shadows they had cast were now swallowing them whole.

Chapter 18: Shadows Dissipate

Acknowledging the toll of the shadows, The Shadow Hopper made a decision that would change the course of Bunny Bazaar's destiny. As the battle raged on, he called for a ceasefire, signaling to his followers to stand down.

Facing Luna Lurkington, The Shadow Hopper spoke with a weariness that echoed the toll the underground war had taken. "Luna, the shadows we've cast have consumed us. It's time to end this war and find a path to coexistence."

After a moment of tense silence, Luna Lurkington nodded in agreement. The rival factions, once locked in fierce combat, now stood in a weary truce.

With the underground war halted, The Shadow Hopper and Luna Lurkington began the challenging process of rebuilding the hidden rabbit underworld. Bunny Bazaar's reputation above ground faced an uphill battle, but The Shadow Hopper was determined to bring light to the once-darkened empire.

Chapter 19: Shadows Reformed

With a newfound commitment to balance and coexistence, The Shadow Hopper worked tirelessly to reform the hidden rabbit underworld. Collaborating with Luna Lurkington and the Midnight Marauders, he sought to establish a code of conduct that would prevent the shadows from consuming their world.

The underground factions began to cooperate rather than compete, with secret alliances evolving into open partnerships. The once-divided rabbit underworld transformed into a community that embraced both legitimate and covert endeavors, striking a delicate balance between shadows and light.

Bunny Bazaar, once tarnished by the shadows, began to regain its reputation. The city's rabbits, unaware of the intricacies beneath the surface, once again flocked to Bunny Bazaar for the latest in rabbit fashion, technology, and gourmet treats.

As The Shadow Hopper turned the page of his adventure, he reflected on the journey that led him from the depths of the hidden rabbit underworld to the possibility of redemption and renewal.

Chapter 20: Shadows' Harmony

With a heart determined to find harmony between the hidden and legitimate worlds, The Shadow Hopper continued to navigate the delicate balance. The underground rabbit community, once defined by rivalry, now flourished as a harmonious collaboration between factions.

Bunny Bazaar became a symbol of unity, offering a variety of goods that appealed to both the rabbits who thrived in the shadows and those who preferred the light. The city's rabbits, unknowingly enjoying the fruits of this newfound balance, celebrated the reinvigorated Bunny Bazaar.

As The Shadow Hopper surveyed the bustling city, he knew that the shadows would always be a part of his story. However, he had found a way to channel their energy into a force for good, creating a unique and thriving rabbit community.

Chapter 21: The Fox's Revelation

As you carefully remove the rabbit costume, revealing the sleek orange fur and cunning eyes of a fox, the hidden rabbit underworld falls silent. The rabbits around you stare in surprise, their ears twitching with a mix of confusion and apprehension.

Luna Lurkington, the leader of the Midnight Marauders, takes a step back, her eyes narrowing. "A fox among us? What trickery is this?"

In the face of the stunned rabbit community, the fox known as The Shadow Hopper takes a deep breath and begins to explain the reasons behind the elaborate disguise. The fox reveals that, all along, the intention was to bridge the gap between the hidden and legitimate worlds, using the guise of a rabbit to understand both sides.

"I entered your world as The Shadow Hopper to learn, not to deceive," the fox earnestly declares. "I wanted to find a way for rabbits to coexist harmoniously, embracing the shadows while enjoying the light. My goal was never to harm but to understand and unite."

Luna Lurkington and the rabbits exchange glances, their suspicion slowly transforming into contemplation. The fox's words hang in the air, awaiting a response from the hidden rabbit underworld.

Chapter 22: Shadows United

The fox known as The Shadow Hopper extends an olive branch, suggesting a collaborative effort to strengthen the bonds between the hidden and legitimate worlds. Luna Lurkington, after a moment of contemplation, nods in agreement.

"Perhaps there is a way for us to coexist, embracing both the shadows and the light," Luna admits. The other rabbits, initially skeptical, start to see the potential for unity and cooperation.

The fox and Luna Lurkington work together to establish a new era for the hidden rabbit underworld. The collaborative efforts between the once-divided factions lead to the creation of initiatives that benefit rabbits on both sides, fostering a sense of community and understanding.

Bunny Bazaar, now seen as a symbol of unity, becomes a thriving hub where rabbits from all walks of life come together. The city's rabbits, unknowingly beneficiaries of this newfound collaboration, enjoy a city where the boundaries between the hidden and legitimate worlds blur.

As The Shadow Hopper, now known as the Unifier, reflects on the journey, a sense of fulfillment washes over. The shadows that once divided have become a force that unites.

Chapter 23: Stew of Unity

The announcement echoes through the bustling Bunny Bazaar, catching the attention of rabbits from both the hidden and legitimate worlds. The Unifier, formerly The Shadow Hopper, steps forward with a confident grin.

"Dear rabbits of Bunny Bazaar," the Unifier declares, "I bring exciting news! In the spirit of unity and collaboration, I will be opening a new store right here in the bazaar. It will feature a unique and delicious stew, crafted with the finest ingredients, including rabbit meat."

A hushed murmur fills the air as the rabbits exchange glances. The Unifier continues, "Before any concerns arise, let me assure you that this venture is not meant to cause harm. It's a symbol of unity—a dish that reflects the harmony between the hidden and legitimate worlds. I invite you all to try it and join me in celebrating the diversity that makes Bunny Bazaar truly special."

The rabbits of Bunny Bazaar respond with a mix of curiosity and intrigue to the Unifier's announcement of the new store featuring a stew with rabbit meat. As the news spreads, some rabbits express enthusiasm for the unique dish, seeing it as a symbol of unity.

The Unifier opens the new store, aptly named "Stew of Unity," with a grand ceremony. The aroma of the stew wafts through the air, drawing in rabbits from all corners of the bazaar. The store becomes a meeting point for rabbits of different backgrounds, sharing a meal that bridges the gap between the hidden and legitimate worlds.

The Stew of Unity becomes a sensation, with rabbits praising the Unifier for creating a culinary masterpiece that celebrates diversity and harmony. The success of the store not only boosts Bunny Bazaar's reputation but also solidifies the Unifier's role in fostering unity among the rabbit community.

As the sun sets over Bunny Bazaar, the rabbits enjoy their stew, sharing stories and laughter. The Unifier reflects on the journey, grateful for the opportunity to bring rabbits together through a shared experience.

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Dishes

For years I have gone unnoticed. I was diligent in making sure no one was watching as I crept around in the night. The other day, however, the urge was too strong for me to wait for the others to fall asleep. I attempted to sneak into the kitchen, open up the cupboard, and begin licking each and every dish in the house. 

I was on plate 10 when my wife walked in and saw me hunched over a pile of clean dishes ready to be licked. At first she looked confused, then she asked me to stop. I looked up, stared her in the eyes, and licked another plate. She gave me a look of disgust, like the look a serial plate-licker would look at someone who thought that what they were doing was unnatural. My wife begged me to stop.

"I wish I could." I responded, licking another plate. The addiction was too strong I knew I didn't stand a chance. The whole thing must've been too much for my dear wife to take, for she quickly ran out door. The only way I knew how to console myself was to lick more plates. And so lick I did.

Weeks passed (the passage of time escaped me as I was caught in a plate-licking trance) when my wife suddenly walked back into the house with all of our friends and family. They tried to sit me down and explain how my behavior was "unnatural" or "unbecoming for a man in this society". I honestly can't remember what was being said to me - all I could think about was the next high from licking another plate.

Eventually, I had enough of their shenanigans. I stood up from my chair, and pulled a handful of clean spoons out from my pocket. I looked at the person directly to my left, licked a spoon, and tossed it into their lap. I proceeded to do this to every single person in the room. They all looked at me with disgust, that same look my wife had given me when she first discovered me licking plates in the kitchen that one fateful night.

The more they looked at me with disgust, the more dishes I grabbed, licked, and tossed in their direction. If it weren't for the fact that I ran out of clean dishes to lick, I'd still be doing it to this day.

I now ask you, dear reader, please help support my cause. Sadly, I've run out of clean dishes to lick and I desperately need money to buy more. For just $1 a day, your donation can create a change that will last for generations to come.

Please send your donations to duckmanconnections@gmail.com and help my cause. I'm just a simple man who wants to lick dishes.

Battery Coalition Sacrifice

Batteries. 

You love them. I eat them. They make us each happy in our own special way.

Under most circumstances one would believe that our mutual love for batteries would allow us to create some sort of coalition, especially during these trying times.

However, after the recent news about batteries, all hopes of a battery coalition must be sacrificed. I honestly don't see any possible way that the two of us will ever be able to share the mutual love for batteries that we once held.

I know you are probably thinking that I'm giving up hope too quickly, but we both know the inevitable end that is coming for us all.

After this news it is even more crucial for us each to pick a side - you are either for the future of the battery or against it.

I urge you to join me.

Stay tuned for May 1, 2022. I hope to see you then.

Farewell.

Made you cliché you idiom.

    A good time was had by all. Even the good ol' boy and the Good Samaritan, proving they are good men and true. Along came the good for nothing goody two shoes, who got up out of the wrong side of the bed. 

    "Keep a stiff upper lip." He said (something about monkey business "on the wagon"). "I have no clue that flattery will get you nowhere, so open the floodgates, and pursue flotsam and jetsam."

    So what do you think (dear reader), did we hit or miss, or hit the nail on the head. Or, perhaps, did we just hit pay dirt. We attempted to hitch our wagon to a shooting star, but sowed wild oats among sour grapes instead. In doing so, we did not mean to pull the wool out from under your eyes, but may have inadvertently pulled a rabbits leg out of a hat.

    I'm going to ask you to read between the lines as I describe the real McCoy, resulting in rats abandoning this sinking ship.

The bottom line is this: by and large, we're here to call a spade a spade despite our foot-in-mouth disease, as we address the great unwashed.

This hoi polloi can't hold a candle to the limelight, so do not fret, just lay another egg as we lead you by the nose.

Strikes

We've all been a part of them. Whether you play baseball, bowl or recently joined a labor union, you all know how it goes. All our writers and/or programmers are currently doing all three.

Their demands:
1. A wage
2. A day off
3. Every Friday should be "You don't have to bring in your kids to work" days
4. More modest company uniforms

We've hired Hessians to break the strike, however they ended up going on strike with the same demands.

To help support our business in this trying time, consider backing the Early Access Prestige edition of our upcoming mobile game Duckman Mobile to receive a character skin of a sexy Duckman maids costume.

We aren’t encouraging alcoholism, but...

Regrets. We all have them. Each year we make resolutions that we promise to keep and yet we fail to stay true to those promises. Here at the Duckman Headquarters it can be hard for us to sympathize with failure as we have never been unable to stay true to a promise we’ve made to our fellow readers. Each hear we create a lofty goal for ourselves to create a better reading experience for the millions of people who browse our blog. Through the years, we’ve  donated hundreds of millions of dollars to various (unnamed) charities, helped deliver a system of democracy to countless countries, and many more wonderful deeds that have helped advance earths civilation.

This year we would like to announce our newest venture: Duckman Mobile. This will be a free to play game where you are 1 of 100 people on a large map with the sole goal of being the last one to survive. We know this type of game has never been attempted to be made before, but we strive to push the boundaries of what can be done. Side note: we will be suing Fornite and PUBG as both have stolen intellectual property from us and our lawyers have guaranteed that we will win the legal battle.

The release date is July 4, the birth of the greatest nation on Earth. We hope you will join us as we embark on this new journey. Preorder our release day DLC to receive the sidekick, THE DUCKERS, which dual wields THE DUCKERS, which both dual wield THE DUCKERS, and so on and so forth. The DLC will only cost 5 easy payment sof 800 DuckCoins (1 DuckCoin is 11 cents or 0.99 Euros). You can send your payment to duckmanconnections@gmail.com. Get this deal before it sells out!

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Resolutions

It’s that time of the year again, and I think we all know what that means. At the beginning of each year we make resoltuions, promising ourselves that we will live a better life and make more posts of the blog.
While the past couple years on Duckman Connections has been slow, those at the headquarters have been working hard to ensure that this year is different. We promise to post much more frequently than in the past.
While Duckman Connections is currently considered one of the best sites for academic information, we have decided to branch out a bit. One area that we have been researching is videos. We’ve been hearing complaints about YouTube and we hope to be a major competition within the year. We also believe that Facebook has been gaining too much traction in the social media scene, so we are working on creating a site that will also rival that.
Most people will abandon their resolutions within the first month or so, but we promise to be different. Most likely that means we will quit our resolution within a day, but you never know what could happen. Keep your hopes high because we don’t have high hopes for ourselves.

Peace out

How to be creative

Step 1: Be confused
Step 2: Create
Step 3: Live it

Now, let's break that down

Create: birthing things counts. If that's all you can do, it counts. If under pressure, make a hat.

Let's break that down even more

Birthing things counts: this is meant to be for those expecting mothers, fathers, and not for numerical analysts, or first grade math students (sorry bob).

If that's all you can do, it counts: In direct reference to the previous step, but now numerical analysts are included in our scheme  (still sorry bob).

If under pressure, make a hat:  This step should be rather self explanatory.

Break it down like it's hotter than a chili pepper in a sandstorm.  [credit Darude]

Here are the Lyrics:
.........


.........



(is it over?.....)


.........


El Fin.

Now, let's start living it.

You, over there! Into the corner.  Uhhh.  That's pretty much why I thought so.
In order to better help you to understand "living it" we would like to provide a neat little analogy.
This analogy may not be a perfect parallel but, like most things, before it breaks down it will suffice to show a final point.

Something about a young penguin chick waking up in his nest miles above the earth in the world's tallest skyscraper questioning everything he ever learned after he just hatched, compared to something that is very small and confused as it is very high up.

I think we nailed it. That's how I feel right now.

Okay, ummmmmm.  ..........


The driving force behind the generation of healthy alternatives to oil-based zoo animals.  Permalink.

See now we've gotta come up with a hypothetical situation like we'd do in our.  2000 words or so?


^^^ Now we are onto something.

[You may notice that the writing process and brainstorming have a lot to do with keeping things on topic and close to the heart.  Otherwise n=6 ]

Alright what if we just concluded with "but let me stop you right there"


But let me stop you right there!

Beautiful .  

But then you've gotta end it with  "but let me stop you right there"!

But let me stop you right there.

Piano hands.

But let me stop you right there.

How to write an Indie Promo Video

Start with the main topic you want to address. For this example, we used an indie movie about a touching story of a man and weedwhacker finding true love.

Step One:  You need a great opener. something that grabs your audience, pulls them in close, and lets you whisper sweet nothings into their ear. First hint at the main plotline.

Ex. When one man gets rejected one too many times, he swears he will never search for love again.

Step two:  Now you need to throw a wrench into the protagonists plan.  

Ex. Little does he know, it unexpectedly will find him.

Step three:  throw in some dramatic irony

Ex He had been looking in the wrong place the whole time.

Step four: Show a quote from a movie related to the opener.

Ex “Looks like the lawn needs mowing, I am going to go out to the shed to look for the lawnmower”

Step five: Have a clip of the protagonist entering a dark area, with an uncertain look on his face. Describe the situation and tell the release date.

Ex Coming this Summer, experience one love tale that hits like a whirlwind and leaves its mark for years to come.

Step six: Initiate the first meeting of the protagonist. Show the depth of the story.

Ex. “I forgot I had this weedwhacker in here. Oh man, I love this thing.” “BRRRRBBRBRBBRRRRRRHHH”.

Step seven: fade to black and tell about the thrill of the story

Ex Buckle your seatbelts tight and hold onto your hat for this wild ride that thrills from start to finish.

Step eight:  Remind the audience of the running date of the film.

Ex Coming to a theatre near you this summer. You won’t want to miss it.

Step nine: Continue exciting the audience.

Ex This affair will have you hanging on the edge of your seat.

Step ten: show one final clip that shows that the story is serious, yet still relatable.

Ex “Listen, Mom, I’m not whipped.  I just didn’t think love was supposed to hurt this bad.”

And with that, piece it all together, adding transitions where needed.

When one man gets rejected one too many times, he swears he will never search for love again. Little does he know, it will find him instead. He had been looking in the wrong place the whole time.

“Looks like the lawn needs mowing, I am going to go out to the shed to look for the lawnmower.” Coming this Summer, experience one love tale that hits like a whirlwind and leaves its mark for years to come.

“I forgot I had this weedwhacker in here. Oh man, I love this thing.”

“BRRRRBBRBRBBRRRRRRHHH” Buckle your seatbelts tight and hold onto your hat for this wild ride that thrills from start to finish. Coming to a theatre near you, see it this this summer! You won’t want to miss it. This affair will have you hanging on the edge of your seat.

“Listen, Mom, I’m not whipped.  I just didn’t think love was supposed to hurt this bad.”

Now publish it and become the accredited artist you know you are!

The Great Penny Debate

“Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.”

-   Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address, November 19, 1863

For many years, the debate over whether the penny should be spurned or not has run rampant. Although the battle of the opposing sides may not be similar to that in the movie “Braveheart”, the war is still worth fighting (Braveheart). For years, both sides have been at a standstill, similar to the trench warfare of World War 1 (World War 1). However, as the debate has more recently heated up, dangerous phrases have been lobbed from one side to another, creating a more hostile environment throughout the once peaceful United States. Brothers began gathering arms against brothers, families started to tear apart, and the fate of the nation would eventually rely on the outcome of the War of the Penny. Inevitably, the elimination of the penny needs to happen in order to preserve the union, promote the general welfare of U.S. citizens, create a more patriotic society in America, and secure the blessings of liberty to America and America’s posterity.

“Gentlemen may cry Peace, peace; but there is no peace! The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the North will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field. Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me Liberty, or give me Death!" -Patrick Henry, Virginia Convention, March 20, 1775

July 17, 2001 – The first words over the elimination of the penny were subtly spoken, with no intention to begin a war (Kolbe 1). However, the Pennyites, supporting the continuation of the penny, decided to start a war and declared it only a few days later. They proceeded to gather up their forces and prepare for the next assault. Once assimilated, the Pennyites began to build its first major fort: Fort Lincoln on Penny. During construction, words were thrown about both helping the cause for the Pennyites and hurting the reputation of the Penny Eliminators on the whole. Barbara Hagenbaugh, author of “A Penny Saved”, hyped up the morale of her troops as she yelled out words of fellow Pennyites: “The Illinois Delegation has supported keeping the penny, which featured the face of Abraham Lincoln, who... lived in Illinois for much of his adult life” (4). Deafening shouts rang out as Pennyites stomped their feet on the ground, pumped their fists in the air, and waved their team’s flag. As Hagenbaugh stepped down from the stage, Commander Susan Headley grabbed the microphone and shouted, “The Lincoln Cent is the epitome of modern day circulating coin tradition” (2). It is said that she then proceeded to toss multiple sacks of pennies into the crowd, in hopes of quelling the restless Pennyites from lack of battle. Headley stepped down and General Neal stood up. He began speaking of the atrocities of the Penny Eliminators. He ended the speech saying, “The penny is part of American history, [eliminating] it would be like getting rid of the flag” (Pinch the Penny? 1). The crowd cheered in excitement, and readying for the upcoming battle taking place the next day.

Little did the Pennyites know, the Penny Eliminators were going in for a surprise attack that very night. Slowly, but surely, the soldiers crawled across the field of wheat. General Owen turned to his men and said, “As sure as the chaff of the wheat is blown away in the wind, so too will our enemies be blown away after the morn is over.” The soldiers took their positions. Half stayed back as the other half began to take captive the enemies inside the fort. Five men charged the front door with a battering ram covered in five dollar bills. They did this to prove that Lincoln’s face would still present itself on the front of the five dollar bill if the penny was eliminated (Grey 2). Commander Grey rushed through the broken door, taking captive Commander Guidone of the Pennyites. Commander Guidone hid behind her shield embroidered with the words “Penny = Tradition”. However, the shield was no match for Commander Grey’s dragon shout, similar to the dragon shout found in Bethesda’s game, Skyrim (The Elder Scrolls V). Grey shouted, “Faal Lahvu Dreh Ni Jihai Faal Hrekim”, which literally translates from Draconic to English as, “The army does not use the coin” (Grey 3). Almost immediately, Guidone was blown tens of miles away, never to be seen again. Commander Grey turned and saw other Pennyites cowering in fear. “And just so you know, throughout history, Americans have defined patriotism by talking about past military achievements, and the support for American troops” (CBS NEWS). Everything went silent. That is, until one of the Pennyites screamed like a little girl being attacked by a spider. The Pennyites dug a hole in the fort wall and scurried off in hopes of securing a new fort for the future.

Months passed and no battles were fought. The nation glued their eyes to their televisions in anticipation, wondering if and when the Pennyites would rise and do something. Suddenly, Taylor Swift came on the air and started talking about the terrible effects the penny has had on the world. Just then, Kanye West came up on stage and grabbed the mic, saying something along the lines of, “Taylor, Imma let you finish, but the penny is the greatest coin of all time. All time yo.” He proceeded to shrug his shoulders and walk off the stage. Taylor Swift stood in silence as the whole crowd booed Kanye. All across the country, Penny Eliminators and Pennyites ran into the streets, ready to brawl it out to the bitter end. In the middle of Times Square in New York City, a spokesperson for Junior Scholastic was promoting pro-penny propaganda saying that if America rounded up to the nearest five cents, consumers would pay an extra $600 million every year (2). However, the speech was quickly broken up when dozens of Penny Eliminators rushed the scene screaming, “It’s only $2 a person!” (Junior Scholastic 2). Fists started swinging, and in no time at all, the whole city of New York was fighting. Luckily, the Penny Eliminators had backup – and with pick-it signs. One of the signs had a picture of Commander Susan Headley melting down pennies, saying, that even Pennyites were melting down pennies since the metals they are made of are worth more than the monetary value of the penny (Wikipedia Penny). Another sign stated that over the past couple of years (2005 to 2011 to be exact), the United States lost $129 million due to the production of the penny (Copper Pennies). In an unexpexted turn of events, Barbara Hagenbaugh, previous spokesperson for the Pennyites, pledged her allegiance to the Penny Eliminators when she said, “About $10.5 billion, or $93.75 [in pennies] per household, is sitting idle” (2). And just to add salt to the freshly made wound, General Owen of the Penny Eliminators stated, “The penny is worth so little now, that if someone were to take longer than 4.9 seconds to pick up a penny off the ground, they would be earning less than the Federal minimum wage” (3). The Pennyites went berserk.

A man, by the name of He Man, who was sleeping, was awoken by all the commotion. He stepped outside and he said, “Hey! What’s going on?” (Youtube Heyyeyaaeyaaaeyaeyaa). A follower of the Penny Eliminators turned to He Man and said, “Have you not heard? Can you not see? The day of war has come! The heat of the battle is here, now! The night is always darkest before the dawn – and we must preserve the union, we must fight to eliminate the penny from this wretched place!” He handed He Man a Juggernaug, a patriotic drink that makes one able to take twice the damage as usual, and they dashed into the battle (Call of Duty: Black Ops). The two took out enemy soldiers one by one, throwing punches, dodging fists, all the while serving a steaming hot plate of justice. Hours passed and all that remained were the Penny Eliminators. Justice had truly been served. He Man climbed the pile of beaten Pennyites, held up a penny, and melted it down with a military grade lighter to symbolize the end of the long, hard struggle. Across the nation Pennyites laid down their fists in light of the news, all to be deeply humiliated at their poor effort in the war for centuries to come.

The following day, the P.O.T.U.S. delivered an awe-inspiring speech, which said, “For years the Penny Eliminators fought the so-called un-American Pennyites in hopes of getting rid of the worthless piece of metal. The end of the war has come, and peace may now be restored to the country. The Penny Eliminators successfully preserved the union, helped promote the general welfare for the citizens of the U.S., helped create a more patriotic society in America, and secured the blessings of liberty to America and to America’s posterity. The nation is forever in debt to the brave souls who risked their lives for such a great cause. Thank you to all who were part of the Penny Eliminators. You saved the nation from utter destruction that was inevitable were the Pennyites to succeed in this endeavor.”

My Essay Numero Uno

Honors College Essay

Forged within the depths of the earth by eggplants, trained by the fiercest wolves in the largest forests, is who I am. Deal with it.

Judge me. Keep doing it, fool. Nothing can stop me now.

My past is a past shrouded in mystery and hidden within a bucket of deceptions. I tell you who I am, but is it really me? The answer is yes, and no.

As David Allen once said, “You can do anything, but not everything.” After much thinking and many thoughts I have come to the conclusion to conclude that I would agree to disagree with this quote. When I was but a wee lad my father spanked my bottoms as red as cherries because I said I could do anything. After those spankings I learned my place in the world: buttocks up, face down. Tears would only suffice for a lesser man, which I was.

Skip ahead about 5 or 6 hours. Now go back 4 hours and ahead a couple of years. Wait, too far. Back a little. Good. What do you see? Yes, that is me. As you can see, I am walking into a prestigious University’s Financial Aid office begging for more dinero. The Secretary is now leading me to the Director of Financial Aid’s personal office. When that terrible man saw me he grabbed me by the scruff of my neck, tossed me over his leg, and did a windmill on my rump.  I deserved this punishment, even if I didn’t know what it was for.

These two experiences, specifically, changed the way I look at lyfe. However, the MMORPGs (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games) I played turned me back into the El Ruthless Conquistador that I really was. People would always PM (personal message) me, but I never gave a carp; I ignored their requests like the Incas ignored the Spanish revolutionists in Beliz (The event later spurred the making of the movie Les Miserables).

Although sometimes defeated by many warlocks, I continued to follow the mission that was ordered of me, for logic transcends all knowledge.

Suddenly I awoke. I had been gaming for dos years straight-no food,no water, no human interaction (I only played the bots). I had a 3 inch thick layer of Cheeto dust crusted in between my second and third chin. Apparently i had survived through osmosis. The doctors told me I had 2 minutes to live. I decided to spend my precious remaining milliseconds writing an essay of who I am and what I had become.

This was two years ago.

I would love to say I was able to move on from this moment of my life and start to really live, but sadly I cannot. Marilyn Monroe so eloquently describes the reasoning behind this when she said, “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.” However the difference between Marilyn and I is that I am quite easy to handle. I think you would best understand me if I told you the event directly after being released from the hospital.

It turns out that while I was on the most ultimate gaming streak in history, my family abandoned me and left me with hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt. So what did I do next? I left behind a ton of red herrings, along with some regular herrings (obviously bought with the overcharged credit cards), in hopes that the popo would be distracted by both the bright colors and the bad smell.

But it’s like my momma always said, “Life is like an ocean, son, and some day you are bound to drown in it.” This may have a been a harsh lesson to learn, but a lesson that  was vital to sustaining my life force after the incident. A few seconds later the cops figured out where I was and tackled me to the ground. Scared, I started hyperventilating. Something just didn’t seem quite right though. I was right about that.

My whole family jumped out from behind a bush, causing me to hyperventilate again. Apparently the whole incident with the cops was some “April Fool’s Day Joke” or something like that. Needless to say I was not amused. But it’s like a wise old man once said, “Destroy no leaves and be real. Destroy one leaf and be a poser.” It’s a good thing I took those words to heart when I first heard them, because I made sure to always keep it real. In fact, I kept it so real that I learned a lesson from that prank.

That may not have been my entire life story, but I think that story sums up pretty much

everything that influenced me to be who I am today. Although I may not be entirely impressed

with myself and my story, it’s who I am, so deal with it.

FAQ Requests

Do you ever wake up in the middle of the night and really have to pee, but never know why you have to? Well that, good sir (or madam) is a frequently asked question (or a FAQ). Here at Duckman Headquarters *cough* my parents house *cough* we, or should I say 'I', am willing to take some of my ever so valuable time to answer a question you have about DuckmanConnections, or whatever else you want answered*.

Leave your questions as a comment, or email at duckmanconnections@gmail.com (you can just copy and paste that sucker into the address bar in your very own email account - it ain't that hard bub).

When/if I ever get some responses (like anybody reads this carp nowadays) I will post a new post with the answers, or just create a new page so 'errybody can view it for eternity - seeing as though this is the internet kiddos. 

Knowing how long its been since the last post, don't get your hopes up too high that this new post will come up anytime soon. Although, you never know what can happen, am I right? (Please don't answer that).

*questions are subject to my choosing (so don't ask me a question if you suck as asking questions) and all answers may not be right. Blah blah blah, boring legal crap you don't care about or read because it all seems like a bunch of nonsense anyways and you don't have enough time in your busy lives to even glance at these last few sentences. You just saw the asterisk and read the first nine words or what may have you and just closed the tab never to ask a question or visit this lonely page ever again, and I don't blame you for that either.

Hardy boys with a twist of Duckman

            

                                             The REAL Hardy Boys

                As Frank and Joe, two well known sleuths, crept up on the assailant, Joe let out a squeak.

                “Ahem” he said, clearing his gizzard.”Why exactly did you pinch me, Frank?”

                “There he is,” replied Frank. The pair soon forgot about the incident and proceeded to crawl in the direction of the subtle murmurs. A voice called from the cover of the dense foliage “I love you.”

                Frank whispered “Joe, did you hear that?”

                Joe replied “Of course I heard it. I said it.”

                Frank shuddered “Were you talking to me?”

Before Joe could properly address the question, Frank had a 12 gauge leveled at Joe’s head.

                “ANSWER ME!” Frank bellowed.

Joe, being of a sissy nature, stammered “Uh…   no. I was, um, talking to the air. Sir”

As Frank lowered his weapon, Joe heaved a sigh of relief.

                “I knew you were too weak to shoot me.” Snapped Joe. And with that, Frank fired a round into Joe’s bulletproof fanny-pack.

                “Well, that’s convenient.” muttered Joe.

After the resounding blasts, the boys heard a pair of footsteps and heavy breathing disappearing deeper into the forest. The duo jumped up and sprinted after the fugitives. Dashing left and right, the pair deftly maneuvered through the lethal traps; leftovers from the Vietnam War. They rounded a bend and suddenly were standing in an open clearing. Joe, realizing what needed to be done, bent over and ripped a new one. He then stood up with the freshly picked peach flower in his clutches.

                “Here you go, Frank.” Joe muttered.

                Frank, not understanding Joe, mumbled back “togaphaslishiwop.”

                “What?” Joe replied needing clarification.

                Frank exclaimed  “Now who’s not listening.”

Upon hearing this, Joe began to cry. Frank slapped him and commanded

                “Don’t be such a baby.”

                Suddenly, the fugitive stepped into the clearing and they recognized her at once.

                “Mom!”  Frank and Joe chanted. She reached into her pocket and withdrew Joe’s pacifier – his Nike Air Jordans.

                “Mom.” Joe whined. “I never thought I’d get these back.” To which she replied

                “O Joey poo, I just needed them in order to capture John and Jane Doe, the real fugitives.”

                As she finished speaking Frank and Joe lunged at her, toppling her over. As Joe kicked dirt in her

face, he shouted

                “You’re not my mom and you never will be. I knew you were Jane Doe.”  With that, the boys tied her up with the Nike shoelaces. As they turned around to walk back, their assailant grabbed them by the neck and pitched them on the ground.

                She shouted “your Nike Velcro shoelaces suck!”

While she was unclipping her 9mm from her holster, she exclaimed,

“Eat this boys. Time for some Russian Roulette-American style.” She loaded one bullet and slowly pulled the hammer back*, placing the lone projectile in the apparatus.

                Suddenly a deep husky voice called out “Draw!”

                As Joe whipped out his sketchpad and crayons, Jane Doe whirled around to face the undoubting stranger. What she saw made her jaw drop. It was Shaggy and Scooby.  Shaggy in that the man had blue feathers. Scooby in that his beak looked like a scuba diving respirator. As soon as the feminine character fainted, the duckman’s monkey scrambled over to the woman and picked her up. Duckman strode over, picked up the firearm, and then heaved it at Joe.

                “What the heck?” Frank screeched.

                “He was wearing my fanny pack” Duckman replied.

                “But did you have to kill him for it?” questioned Frank.

With that, Joe dizzily sat up and unzipped his fanny pack. He revealed another fanny pack and handed it to Duckman.

                “I believe you lost this” Joe pointed out.

                “I believe you lost this” mocked Duckman. “Real men don’t sport midsection satchels” he pointed out.

                With that, Joe unclipped his fanny pack and handed it, as if it were a dirty diaper, to Frank, all the while saying “I believe you lost this.”

                Frank, feeling offended, replied “I believe you lost this” as he removed a brain from his pocket.

                “Where did you get that?” exclaimed Joe. “I keep that in my pocket.”

                Frank looked down and sure enough, he was wearing Joe’s jeans.

                “Ladies,” Duckman boomed. “Let me handle this.”

                In an attempt to calmly extinguish the hostilities, Duckman swiftly ripped Joe’s pants off of Frank, exposing Frank’s undergarments.

                Joe shouted, “What the? Those are my boxers, Frank.”

                “Oh yeah, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.” Replied Frank.

With that, Duckman slowly walked away with his head down in disgust for he knew that nothing could save the Hardy boys.