Hardy boys with a twist of Duckman

            

                                             The REAL Hardy Boys

                As Frank and Joe, two well known sleuths, crept up on the assailant, Joe let out a squeak.

                “Ahem” he said, clearing his gizzard.”Why exactly did you pinch me, Frank?”

                “There he is,” replied Frank. The pair soon forgot about the incident and proceeded to crawl in the direction of the subtle murmurs. A voice called from the cover of the dense foliage “I love you.”

                Frank whispered “Joe, did you hear that?”

                Joe replied “Of course I heard it. I said it.”

                Frank shuddered “Were you talking to me?”

Before Joe could properly address the question, Frank had a 12 gauge leveled at Joe’s head.

                “ANSWER ME!” Frank bellowed.

Joe, being of a sissy nature, stammered “Uh…   no. I was, um, talking to the air. Sir”

As Frank lowered his weapon, Joe heaved a sigh of relief.

                “I knew you were too weak to shoot me.” Snapped Joe. And with that, Frank fired a round into Joe’s bulletproof fanny-pack.

                “Well, that’s convenient.” muttered Joe.

After the resounding blasts, the boys heard a pair of footsteps and heavy breathing disappearing deeper into the forest. The duo jumped up and sprinted after the fugitives. Dashing left and right, the pair deftly maneuvered through the lethal traps; leftovers from the Vietnam War. They rounded a bend and suddenly were standing in an open clearing. Joe, realizing what needed to be done, bent over and ripped a new one. He then stood up with the freshly picked peach flower in his clutches.

                “Here you go, Frank.” Joe muttered.

                Frank, not understanding Joe, mumbled back “togaphaslishiwop.”

                “What?” Joe replied needing clarification.

                Frank exclaimed  “Now who’s not listening.”

Upon hearing this, Joe began to cry. Frank slapped him and commanded

                “Don’t be such a baby.”

                Suddenly, the fugitive stepped into the clearing and they recognized her at once.

                “Mom!”  Frank and Joe chanted. She reached into her pocket and withdrew Joe’s pacifier – his Nike Air Jordans.

                “Mom.” Joe whined. “I never thought I’d get these back.” To which she replied

                “O Joey poo, I just needed them in order to capture John and Jane Doe, the real fugitives.”

                As she finished speaking Frank and Joe lunged at her, toppling her over. As Joe kicked dirt in her

face, he shouted

                “You’re not my mom and you never will be. I knew you were Jane Doe.”  With that, the boys tied her up with the Nike shoelaces. As they turned around to walk back, their assailant grabbed them by the neck and pitched them on the ground.

                She shouted “your Nike Velcro shoelaces suck!”

While she was unclipping her 9mm from her holster, she exclaimed,

“Eat this boys. Time for some Russian Roulette-American style.” She loaded one bullet and slowly pulled the hammer back*, placing the lone projectile in the apparatus.

                Suddenly a deep husky voice called out “Draw!”

                As Joe whipped out his sketchpad and crayons, Jane Doe whirled around to face the undoubting stranger. What she saw made her jaw drop. It was Shaggy and Scooby.  Shaggy in that the man had blue feathers. Scooby in that his beak looked like a scuba diving respirator. As soon as the feminine character fainted, the duckman’s monkey scrambled over to the woman and picked her up. Duckman strode over, picked up the firearm, and then heaved it at Joe.

                “What the heck?” Frank screeched.

                “He was wearing my fanny pack” Duckman replied.

                “But did you have to kill him for it?” questioned Frank.

With that, Joe dizzily sat up and unzipped his fanny pack. He revealed another fanny pack and handed it to Duckman.

                “I believe you lost this” Joe pointed out.

                “I believe you lost this” mocked Duckman. “Real men don’t sport midsection satchels” he pointed out.

                With that, Joe unclipped his fanny pack and handed it, as if it were a dirty diaper, to Frank, all the while saying “I believe you lost this.”

                Frank, feeling offended, replied “I believe you lost this” as he removed a brain from his pocket.

                “Where did you get that?” exclaimed Joe. “I keep that in my pocket.”

                Frank looked down and sure enough, he was wearing Joe’s jeans.

                “Ladies,” Duckman boomed. “Let me handle this.”

                In an attempt to calmly extinguish the hostilities, Duckman swiftly ripped Joe’s pants off of Frank, exposing Frank’s undergarments.

                Joe shouted, “What the? Those are my boxers, Frank.”

                “Oh yeah, I was hoping you wouldn’t notice.” Replied Frank.

With that, Duckman slowly walked away with his head down in disgust for he knew that nothing could save the Hardy boys.