My Essay Numero Uno

Honors College Essay

Forged within the depths of the earth by eggplants, trained by the fiercest wolves in the largest forests, is who I am. Deal with it.

Judge me. Keep doing it, fool. Nothing can stop me now.

My past is a past shrouded in mystery and hidden within a bucket of deceptions. I tell you who I am, but is it really me? The answer is yes, and no.

As David Allen once said, “You can do anything, but not everything.” After much thinking and many thoughts I have come to the conclusion to conclude that I would agree to disagree with this quote. When I was but a wee lad my father spanked my bottoms as red as cherries because I said I could do anything. After those spankings I learned my place in the world: buttocks up, face down. Tears would only suffice for a lesser man, which I was.

Skip ahead about 5 or 6 hours. Now go back 4 hours and ahead a couple of years. Wait, too far. Back a little. Good. What do you see? Yes, that is me. As you can see, I am walking into a prestigious University’s Financial Aid office begging for more dinero. The Secretary is now leading me to the Director of Financial Aid’s personal office. When that terrible man saw me he grabbed me by the scruff of my neck, tossed me over his leg, and did a windmill on my rump.  I deserved this punishment, even if I didn’t know what it was for.

These two experiences, specifically, changed the way I look at lyfe. However, the MMORPGs (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games) I played turned me back into the El Ruthless Conquistador that I really was. People would always PM (personal message) me, but I never gave a carp; I ignored their requests like the Incas ignored the Spanish revolutionists in Beliz (The event later spurred the making of the movie Les Miserables).

Although sometimes defeated by many warlocks, I continued to follow the mission that was ordered of me, for logic transcends all knowledge.

Suddenly I awoke. I had been gaming for dos years straight-no food,no water, no human interaction (I only played the bots). I had a 3 inch thick layer of Cheeto dust crusted in between my second and third chin. Apparently i had survived through osmosis. The doctors told me I had 2 minutes to live. I decided to spend my precious remaining milliseconds writing an essay of who I am and what I had become.

This was two years ago.

I would love to say I was able to move on from this moment of my life and start to really live, but sadly I cannot. Marilyn Monroe so eloquently describes the reasoning behind this when she said, “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.” However the difference between Marilyn and I is that I am quite easy to handle. I think you would best understand me if I told you the event directly after being released from the hospital.

It turns out that while I was on the most ultimate gaming streak in history, my family abandoned me and left me with hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt. So what did I do next? I left behind a ton of red herrings, along with some regular herrings (obviously bought with the overcharged credit cards), in hopes that the popo would be distracted by both the bright colors and the bad smell.

But it’s like my momma always said, “Life is like an ocean, son, and some day you are bound to drown in it.” This may have a been a harsh lesson to learn, but a lesson that  was vital to sustaining my life force after the incident. A few seconds later the cops figured out where I was and tackled me to the ground. Scared, I started hyperventilating. Something just didn’t seem quite right though. I was right about that.

My whole family jumped out from behind a bush, causing me to hyperventilate again. Apparently the whole incident with the cops was some “April Fool’s Day Joke” or something like that. Needless to say I was not amused. But it’s like a wise old man once said, “Destroy no leaves and be real. Destroy one leaf and be a poser.” It’s a good thing I took those words to heart when I first heard them, because I made sure to always keep it real. In fact, I kept it so real that I learned a lesson from that prank.

That may not have been my entire life story, but I think that story sums up pretty much

everything that influenced me to be who I am today. Although I may not be entirely impressed

with myself and my story, it’s who I am, so deal with it.