Dishes

For years I have gone unnoticed. I was diligent in making sure no one was watching as I crept around in the night. The other day, however, the urge was too strong for me to wait for the others to fall asleep. I attempted to sneak into the kitchen, open up the cupboard, and begin licking each and every dish in the house. 

I was on plate 10 when my wife walked in and saw me hunched over a pile of clean dishes ready to be licked. At first she looked confused, then she asked me to stop. I looked up, stared her in the eyes, and licked another plate. She gave me a look of disgust, like the look a serial plate-licker would look at someone who thought that what they were doing was unnatural. My wife begged me to stop.

"I wish I could." I responded, licking another plate. The addiction was too strong I knew I didn't stand a chance. The whole thing must've been too much for my dear wife to take, for she quickly ran out door. The only way I knew how to console myself was to lick more plates. And so lick I did.

Weeks passed (the passage of time escaped me as I was caught in a plate-licking trance) when my wife suddenly walked back into the house with all of our friends and family. They tried to sit me down and explain how my behavior was "unnatural" or "unbecoming for a man in this society". I honestly can't remember what was being said to me - all I could think about was the next high from licking another plate.

Eventually, I had enough of their shenanigans. I stood up from my chair, and pulled a handful of clean spoons out from my pocket. I looked at the person directly to my left, licked a spoon, and tossed it into their lap. I proceeded to do this to every single person in the room. They all looked at me with disgust, that same look my wife had given me when she first discovered me licking plates in the kitchen that one fateful night.

The more they looked at me with disgust, the more dishes I grabbed, licked, and tossed in their direction. If it weren't for the fact that I ran out of clean dishes to lick, I'd still be doing it to this day.

I now ask you, dear reader, please help support my cause. Sadly, I've run out of clean dishes to lick and I desperately need money to buy more. For just $1 a day, your donation can create a change that will last for generations to come.

Please send your donations to duckmanconnections@gmail.com and help my cause. I'm just a simple man who wants to lick dishes.

Battery Coalition Sacrifice

Batteries. 

You love them. I eat them. They make us each happy in our own special way.

Under most circumstances one would believe that our mutual love for batteries would allow us to create some sort of coalition, especially during these trying times.

However, after the recent news about batteries, all hopes of a battery coalition must be sacrificed. I honestly don't see any possible way that the two of us will ever be able to share the mutual love for batteries that we once held.

I know you are probably thinking that I'm giving up hope too quickly, but we both know the inevitable end that is coming for us all.

After this news it is even more crucial for us each to pick a side - you are either for the future of the battery or against it.

I urge you to join me.

Stay tuned for May 1, 2022. I hope to see you then.

Farewell.

Made you cliché you idiom.

    A good time was had by all. Even the good ol' boy and the Good Samaritan, proving they are good men and true. Along came the good for nothing goody two shoes, who got up out of the wrong side of the bed. 

    "Keep a stiff upper lip." He said (something about monkey business "on the wagon"). "I have no clue that flattery will get you nowhere, so open the floodgates, and pursue flotsam and jetsam."

    So what do you think (dear reader), did we hit or miss, or hit the nail on the head. Or, perhaps, did we just hit pay dirt. We attempted to hitch our wagon to a shooting star, but sowed wild oats among sour grapes instead. In doing so, we did not mean to pull the wool out from under your eyes, but may have inadvertently pulled a rabbits leg out of a hat.

    I'm going to ask you to read between the lines as I describe the real McCoy, resulting in rats abandoning this sinking ship.

The bottom line is this: by and large, we're here to call a spade a spade despite our foot-in-mouth disease, as we address the great unwashed.

This hoi polloi can't hold a candle to the limelight, so do not fret, just lay another egg as we lead you by the nose.

Strikes

We've all been a part of them. Whether you play baseball, bowl or recently joined a labor union, you all know how it goes. All our writers and/or programmers are currently doing all three.

Their demands:
1. A wage
2. A day off
3. Every Friday should be "You don't have to bring in your kids to work" days
4. More modest company uniforms

We've hired Hessians to break the strike, however they ended up going on strike with the same demands.

To help support our business in this trying time, consider backing the Early Access Prestige edition of our upcoming mobile game Duckman Mobile to receive a character skin of a sexy Duckman maids costume.

We aren’t encouraging alcoholism, but...

Regrets. We all have them. Each year we make resolutions that we promise to keep and yet we fail to stay true to those promises. Here at the Duckman Headquarters it can be hard for us to sympathize with failure as we have never been unable to stay true to a promise we’ve made to our fellow readers. Each hear we create a lofty goal for ourselves to create a better reading experience for the millions of people who browse our blog. Through the years, we’ve  donated hundreds of millions of dollars to various (unnamed) charities, helped deliver a system of democracy to countless countries, and many more wonderful deeds that have helped advance earths civilation.

This year we would like to announce our newest venture: Duckman Mobile. This will be a free to play game where you are 1 of 100 people on a large map with the sole goal of being the last one to survive. We know this type of game has never been attempted to be made before, but we strive to push the boundaries of what can be done. Side note: we will be suing Fornite and PUBG as both have stolen intellectual property from us and our lawyers have guaranteed that we will win the legal battle.

The release date is July 4, the birth of the greatest nation on Earth. We hope you will join us as we embark on this new journey. Preorder our release day DLC to receive the sidekick, THE DUCKERS, which dual wields THE DUCKERS, which both dual wield THE DUCKERS, and so on and so forth. The DLC will only cost 5 easy payment sof 800 DuckCoins (1 DuckCoin is 11 cents or 0.99 Euros). You can send your payment to duckmanconnections@gmail.com. Get this deal before it sells out!

TPW ADV

Resolutions

It’s that time of the year again, and I think we all know what that means. At the beginning of each year we make resoltuions, promising ourselves that we will live a better life and make more posts of the blog.
While the past couple years on Duckman Connections has been slow, those at the headquarters have been working hard to ensure that this year is different. We promise to post much more frequently than in the past.
While Duckman Connections is currently considered one of the best sites for academic information, we have decided to branch out a bit. One area that we have been researching is videos. We’ve been hearing complaints about YouTube and we hope to be a major competition within the year. We also believe that Facebook has been gaining too much traction in the social media scene, so we are working on creating a site that will also rival that.
Most people will abandon their resolutions within the first month or so, but we promise to be different. Most likely that means we will quit our resolution within a day, but you never know what could happen. Keep your hopes high because we don’t have high hopes for ourselves.

Peace out

How to be creative

Step 1: Be confused
Step 2: Create
Step 3: Live it

Now, let's break that down

Create: birthing things counts. If that's all you can do, it counts. If under pressure, make a hat.

Let's break that down even more

Birthing things counts: this is meant to be for those expecting mothers, fathers, and not for numerical analysts, or first grade math students (sorry bob).

If that's all you can do, it counts: In direct reference to the previous step, but now numerical analysts are included in our scheme  (still sorry bob).

If under pressure, make a hat:  This step should be rather self explanatory.

Break it down like it's hotter than a chili pepper in a sandstorm.  [credit Darude]

Here are the Lyrics:
.........


.........



(is it over?.....)


.........


El Fin.

Now, let's start living it.

You, over there! Into the corner.  Uhhh.  That's pretty much why I thought so.
In order to better help you to understand "living it" we would like to provide a neat little analogy.
This analogy may not be a perfect parallel but, like most things, before it breaks down it will suffice to show a final point.

Something about a young penguin chick waking up in his nest miles above the earth in the world's tallest skyscraper questioning everything he ever learned after he just hatched, compared to something that is very small and confused as it is very high up.

I think we nailed it. That's how I feel right now.

Okay, ummmmmm.  ..........


The driving force behind the generation of healthy alternatives to oil-based zoo animals.  Permalink.

See now we've gotta come up with a hypothetical situation like we'd do in our.  2000 words or so?


^^^ Now we are onto something.

[You may notice that the writing process and brainstorming have a lot to do with keeping things on topic and close to the heart.  Otherwise n=6 ]

Alright what if we just concluded with "but let me stop you right there"


But let me stop you right there!

Beautiful .  

But then you've gotta end it with  "but let me stop you right there"!

But let me stop you right there.

Piano hands.

But let me stop you right there.

How to write an Indie Promo Video

Start with the main topic you want to address. For this example, we used an indie movie about a touching story of a man and weedwhacker finding true love.

Step One:  You need a great opener. something that grabs your audience, pulls them in close, and lets you whisper sweet nothings into their ear. First hint at the main plotline.

Ex. When one man gets rejected one too many times, he swears he will never search for love again.

Step two:  Now you need to throw a wrench into the protagonists plan.  

Ex. Little does he know, it unexpectedly will find him.

Step three:  throw in some dramatic irony

Ex He had been looking in the wrong place the whole time.

Step four: Show a quote from a movie related to the opener.

Ex “Looks like the lawn needs mowing, I am going to go out to the shed to look for the lawnmower”

Step five: Have a clip of the protagonist entering a dark area, with an uncertain look on his face. Describe the situation and tell the release date.

Ex Coming this Summer, experience one love tale that hits like a whirlwind and leaves its mark for years to come.

Step six: Initiate the first meeting of the protagonist. Show the depth of the story.

Ex. “I forgot I had this weedwhacker in here. Oh man, I love this thing.” “BRRRRBBRBRBBRRRRRRHHH”.

Step seven: fade to black and tell about the thrill of the story

Ex Buckle your seatbelts tight and hold onto your hat for this wild ride that thrills from start to finish.

Step eight:  Remind the audience of the running date of the film.

Ex Coming to a theatre near you this summer. You won’t want to miss it.

Step nine: Continue exciting the audience.

Ex This affair will have you hanging on the edge of your seat.

Step ten: show one final clip that shows that the story is serious, yet still relatable.

Ex “Listen, Mom, I’m not whipped.  I just didn’t think love was supposed to hurt this bad.”

And with that, piece it all together, adding transitions where needed.

When one man gets rejected one too many times, he swears he will never search for love again. Little does he know, it will find him instead. He had been looking in the wrong place the whole time.

“Looks like the lawn needs mowing, I am going to go out to the shed to look for the lawnmower.” Coming this Summer, experience one love tale that hits like a whirlwind and leaves its mark for years to come.

“I forgot I had this weedwhacker in here. Oh man, I love this thing.”

“BRRRRBBRBRBBRRRRRRHHH” Buckle your seatbelts tight and hold onto your hat for this wild ride that thrills from start to finish. Coming to a theatre near you, see it this this summer! You won’t want to miss it. This affair will have you hanging on the edge of your seat.

“Listen, Mom, I’m not whipped.  I just didn’t think love was supposed to hurt this bad.”

Now publish it and become the accredited artist you know you are!

The Great Penny Debate

“Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.”

-   Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address, November 19, 1863

For many years, the debate over whether the penny should be spurned or not has run rampant. Although the battle of the opposing sides may not be similar to that in the movie “Braveheart”, the war is still worth fighting (Braveheart). For years, both sides have been at a standstill, similar to the trench warfare of World War 1 (World War 1). However, as the debate has more recently heated up, dangerous phrases have been lobbed from one side to another, creating a more hostile environment throughout the once peaceful United States. Brothers began gathering arms against brothers, families started to tear apart, and the fate of the nation would eventually rely on the outcome of the War of the Penny. Inevitably, the elimination of the penny needs to happen in order to preserve the union, promote the general welfare of U.S. citizens, create a more patriotic society in America, and secure the blessings of liberty to America and America’s posterity.

“Gentlemen may cry Peace, peace; but there is no peace! The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the North will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field. Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me Liberty, or give me Death!" -Patrick Henry, Virginia Convention, March 20, 1775

July 17, 2001 – The first words over the elimination of the penny were subtly spoken, with no intention to begin a war (Kolbe 1). However, the Pennyites, supporting the continuation of the penny, decided to start a war and declared it only a few days later. They proceeded to gather up their forces and prepare for the next assault. Once assimilated, the Pennyites began to build its first major fort: Fort Lincoln on Penny. During construction, words were thrown about both helping the cause for the Pennyites and hurting the reputation of the Penny Eliminators on the whole. Barbara Hagenbaugh, author of “A Penny Saved”, hyped up the morale of her troops as she yelled out words of fellow Pennyites: “The Illinois Delegation has supported keeping the penny, which featured the face of Abraham Lincoln, who... lived in Illinois for much of his adult life” (4). Deafening shouts rang out as Pennyites stomped their feet on the ground, pumped their fists in the air, and waved their team’s flag. As Hagenbaugh stepped down from the stage, Commander Susan Headley grabbed the microphone and shouted, “The Lincoln Cent is the epitome of modern day circulating coin tradition” (2). It is said that she then proceeded to toss multiple sacks of pennies into the crowd, in hopes of quelling the restless Pennyites from lack of battle. Headley stepped down and General Neal stood up. He began speaking of the atrocities of the Penny Eliminators. He ended the speech saying, “The penny is part of American history, [eliminating] it would be like getting rid of the flag” (Pinch the Penny? 1). The crowd cheered in excitement, and readying for the upcoming battle taking place the next day.

Little did the Pennyites know, the Penny Eliminators were going in for a surprise attack that very night. Slowly, but surely, the soldiers crawled across the field of wheat. General Owen turned to his men and said, “As sure as the chaff of the wheat is blown away in the wind, so too will our enemies be blown away after the morn is over.” The soldiers took their positions. Half stayed back as the other half began to take captive the enemies inside the fort. Five men charged the front door with a battering ram covered in five dollar bills. They did this to prove that Lincoln’s face would still present itself on the front of the five dollar bill if the penny was eliminated (Grey 2). Commander Grey rushed through the broken door, taking captive Commander Guidone of the Pennyites. Commander Guidone hid behind her shield embroidered with the words “Penny = Tradition”. However, the shield was no match for Commander Grey’s dragon shout, similar to the dragon shout found in Bethesda’s game, Skyrim (The Elder Scrolls V). Grey shouted, “Faal Lahvu Dreh Ni Jihai Faal Hrekim”, which literally translates from Draconic to English as, “The army does not use the coin” (Grey 3). Almost immediately, Guidone was blown tens of miles away, never to be seen again. Commander Grey turned and saw other Pennyites cowering in fear. “And just so you know, throughout history, Americans have defined patriotism by talking about past military achievements, and the support for American troops” (CBS NEWS). Everything went silent. That is, until one of the Pennyites screamed like a little girl being attacked by a spider. The Pennyites dug a hole in the fort wall and scurried off in hopes of securing a new fort for the future.

Months passed and no battles were fought. The nation glued their eyes to their televisions in anticipation, wondering if and when the Pennyites would rise and do something. Suddenly, Taylor Swift came on the air and started talking about the terrible effects the penny has had on the world. Just then, Kanye West came up on stage and grabbed the mic, saying something along the lines of, “Taylor, Imma let you finish, but the penny is the greatest coin of all time. All time yo.” He proceeded to shrug his shoulders and walk off the stage. Taylor Swift stood in silence as the whole crowd booed Kanye. All across the country, Penny Eliminators and Pennyites ran into the streets, ready to brawl it out to the bitter end. In the middle of Times Square in New York City, a spokesperson for Junior Scholastic was promoting pro-penny propaganda saying that if America rounded up to the nearest five cents, consumers would pay an extra $600 million every year (2). However, the speech was quickly broken up when dozens of Penny Eliminators rushed the scene screaming, “It’s only $2 a person!” (Junior Scholastic 2). Fists started swinging, and in no time at all, the whole city of New York was fighting. Luckily, the Penny Eliminators had backup – and with pick-it signs. One of the signs had a picture of Commander Susan Headley melting down pennies, saying, that even Pennyites were melting down pennies since the metals they are made of are worth more than the monetary value of the penny (Wikipedia Penny). Another sign stated that over the past couple of years (2005 to 2011 to be exact), the United States lost $129 million due to the production of the penny (Copper Pennies). In an unexpexted turn of events, Barbara Hagenbaugh, previous spokesperson for the Pennyites, pledged her allegiance to the Penny Eliminators when she said, “About $10.5 billion, or $93.75 [in pennies] per household, is sitting idle” (2). And just to add salt to the freshly made wound, General Owen of the Penny Eliminators stated, “The penny is worth so little now, that if someone were to take longer than 4.9 seconds to pick up a penny off the ground, they would be earning less than the Federal minimum wage” (3). The Pennyites went berserk.

A man, by the name of He Man, who was sleeping, was awoken by all the commotion. He stepped outside and he said, “Hey! What’s going on?” (Youtube Heyyeyaaeyaaaeyaeyaa). A follower of the Penny Eliminators turned to He Man and said, “Have you not heard? Can you not see? The day of war has come! The heat of the battle is here, now! The night is always darkest before the dawn – and we must preserve the union, we must fight to eliminate the penny from this wretched place!” He handed He Man a Juggernaug, a patriotic drink that makes one able to take twice the damage as usual, and they dashed into the battle (Call of Duty: Black Ops). The two took out enemy soldiers one by one, throwing punches, dodging fists, all the while serving a steaming hot plate of justice. Hours passed and all that remained were the Penny Eliminators. Justice had truly been served. He Man climbed the pile of beaten Pennyites, held up a penny, and melted it down with a military grade lighter to symbolize the end of the long, hard struggle. Across the nation Pennyites laid down their fists in light of the news, all to be deeply humiliated at their poor effort in the war for centuries to come.

The following day, the P.O.T.U.S. delivered an awe-inspiring speech, which said, “For years the Penny Eliminators fought the so-called un-American Pennyites in hopes of getting rid of the worthless piece of metal. The end of the war has come, and peace may now be restored to the country. The Penny Eliminators successfully preserved the union, helped promote the general welfare for the citizens of the U.S., helped create a more patriotic society in America, and secured the blessings of liberty to America and to America’s posterity. The nation is forever in debt to the brave souls who risked their lives for such a great cause. Thank you to all who were part of the Penny Eliminators. You saved the nation from utter destruction that was inevitable were the Pennyites to succeed in this endeavor.”

My Essay Numero Uno

Honors College Essay

Forged within the depths of the earth by eggplants, trained by the fiercest wolves in the largest forests, is who I am. Deal with it.

Judge me. Keep doing it, fool. Nothing can stop me now.

My past is a past shrouded in mystery and hidden within a bucket of deceptions. I tell you who I am, but is it really me? The answer is yes, and no.

As David Allen once said, “You can do anything, but not everything.” After much thinking and many thoughts I have come to the conclusion to conclude that I would agree to disagree with this quote. When I was but a wee lad my father spanked my bottoms as red as cherries because I said I could do anything. After those spankings I learned my place in the world: buttocks up, face down. Tears would only suffice for a lesser man, which I was.

Skip ahead about 5 or 6 hours. Now go back 4 hours and ahead a couple of years. Wait, too far. Back a little. Good. What do you see? Yes, that is me. As you can see, I am walking into a prestigious University’s Financial Aid office begging for more dinero. The Secretary is now leading me to the Director of Financial Aid’s personal office. When that terrible man saw me he grabbed me by the scruff of my neck, tossed me over his leg, and did a windmill on my rump.  I deserved this punishment, even if I didn’t know what it was for.

These two experiences, specifically, changed the way I look at lyfe. However, the MMORPGs (Massively Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games) I played turned me back into the El Ruthless Conquistador that I really was. People would always PM (personal message) me, but I never gave a carp; I ignored their requests like the Incas ignored the Spanish revolutionists in Beliz (The event later spurred the making of the movie Les Miserables).

Although sometimes defeated by many warlocks, I continued to follow the mission that was ordered of me, for logic transcends all knowledge.

Suddenly I awoke. I had been gaming for dos years straight-no food,no water, no human interaction (I only played the bots). I had a 3 inch thick layer of Cheeto dust crusted in between my second and third chin. Apparently i had survived through osmosis. The doctors told me I had 2 minutes to live. I decided to spend my precious remaining milliseconds writing an essay of who I am and what I had become.

This was two years ago.

I would love to say I was able to move on from this moment of my life and start to really live, but sadly I cannot. Marilyn Monroe so eloquently describes the reasoning behind this when she said, “I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.” However the difference between Marilyn and I is that I am quite easy to handle. I think you would best understand me if I told you the event directly after being released from the hospital.

It turns out that while I was on the most ultimate gaming streak in history, my family abandoned me and left me with hundreds of thousands of dollars of debt. So what did I do next? I left behind a ton of red herrings, along with some regular herrings (obviously bought with the overcharged credit cards), in hopes that the popo would be distracted by both the bright colors and the bad smell.

But it’s like my momma always said, “Life is like an ocean, son, and some day you are bound to drown in it.” This may have a been a harsh lesson to learn, but a lesson that  was vital to sustaining my life force after the incident. A few seconds later the cops figured out where I was and tackled me to the ground. Scared, I started hyperventilating. Something just didn’t seem quite right though. I was right about that.

My whole family jumped out from behind a bush, causing me to hyperventilate again. Apparently the whole incident with the cops was some “April Fool’s Day Joke” or something like that. Needless to say I was not amused. But it’s like a wise old man once said, “Destroy no leaves and be real. Destroy one leaf and be a poser.” It’s a good thing I took those words to heart when I first heard them, because I made sure to always keep it real. In fact, I kept it so real that I learned a lesson from that prank.

That may not have been my entire life story, but I think that story sums up pretty much

everything that influenced me to be who I am today. Although I may not be entirely impressed

with myself and my story, it’s who I am, so deal with it.