Duckman Information

This post is not so much a hilarious post, but a post bursting with truth and honest to goodness values.  That's right, just for you, we are going to reveal the very workings of the minds of the minions and other silly facts you probably never wanted to know.  And so, without further introduction, we present Duckman Information, an Insider's Perspective to the Inner Workings of the Business.


Question 1: Why don't you guys post very much?
Answer: Many reasons restrict the team at Duckman Connections from doing their good work.  One of the reasons is because they can't think of anything good to write. Just look at this chart illustrating the PWC ((Blog) Post Writing Circumstances).

This pie chart shows a few things.  First, it explains why we only have 23 followers.  Only 10% of the posts are ideas that will appeal to the masses.  Second, since 35% of the ideas are posted during the night, it explains why few posts are created Monday through Thursday. Normally, we do not stay up late enough to become "creative" enough to write anything worth mentioning. Finally, it shows that we care about you, the reader, enough to feel guilty enough that 20% of the posts are written because of your dastardly guilt trips.

Question: When do you have the highest chance of posting?

I don't always post, but when I do, it was probably on the weekend.  To be exact, probably between the hours of 10:00PM and 4:00AM from Friday to Saturday.



Any post Monday through Thursday is most likely a "We should Post, because We haven't in a While" Post, with just a few exceptions.  The most quality posts (meaning easiest understood) are released at approximately 9:30 on the weekend, because this means that the author was sane enough to know what they were writing.  However, just because they are of quality does not mean they are funny.

Question: How many views do you get?
Answer: In recent weeks, we get approximately 25 to 30 views a day.  However, this may be a little deceiving. As proof, view the evidence.


This graph clearly shows that only half of the people who search the blog stay longer than 10 seconds.  The reasons for this are twofold: either someone accidentally clicked our website, or we haven't posted anything new. But hey, a view's a view.

Question: Who views the blog?
Answer:  There are many different people, but some groups have a higher representation.  The top 5 groups are hipsters, Random Foreigners, Loyal Followers, People who are new to the Internet, and Fools/Trolls.


Hipsters view the blog from their Ipad 2 because everything else on the internet is too mainstream. Random Foreigners accidentally end up here when experimenting with the English Language.  Random Foreigners are among the quickest "go back one page" abusers. You, the Loyal Follower, view the blog in hopes of a new post.  People who are just starting their internet adventures end up here because they didn't know clicking on links brought them here.  Fools and Trolls read the blog through Google searches of "London eating at the zoo" or "sport tshirt example with quote on back"*.  Instead of naming the other 340 groups, We lumped them into a group known as "Other".  "Others" come for various reasons, but are generally not welcome.

*Actual searches that brought people to the blog

*This post was not based on any Factual Evidence 

"I never realized how poor the Chinese were until I realized their yo-yos are nothing more than paper on a stick." - Dr. Tony VanDyke

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Inspiration

Tens of people around the globe are searching for inspiration or inspirational quotes as we "speak".  Here at Duckman Connections, we view inspiration in 2 different ways:  inspiration that comes from a sort of "fountain", inspiration from food, and inspiration for laziness.

When inspiration comes out of a fountain, it is said to "well up out over the dikes of your soul" - Yao Van Ungerslangtën. When this happens, small servants who work only for the common good collect the inspiration, bottle it, and send it to your brain.  Obviously, this process is a little inefficient, because there is no inspiration to work or any career advancement opportunities like there are in the liver.  When the inspiration gets to your brain, you suddenly have the urge to act.  This is why some ideas sound good at the time, and then later seem like some imbecile made you do it.  Actually, thousands of imbeciles made you do it, with a little bit of inspiration.

This inspiration is the most basic.  When people eat turnips all their life (like the Swedish Peasants in the medieval 300 B.C.) , they want to zest things up with some Asian Spice.  To get this spice, they turn to explorers to bring them back some tasty foodstuffs.  Why else would Marco Polo return from his trips to China with nothing more to show for it than a pizza recipe? In fact, all explorers were European and the only reason they traveled was for some sauce or other spices.  For proof of this fact, look no further than Pregnant Queen Isabella, when she said, "Christopher Columbus, you bore me with your Asian Spice.  Find me some new delicacies."

Finally, laziness plays a huge factor in the amount of inspiration you acquire. Inventions like the microwave, telephone, car, and soon to be invented oven microwave came to be because people didn't want to heat their food up by sitting on it, call their mother in law by screaming at 190 Db, walk at a steady pace of .5 knots*, or the soon to be problem of not being able to fit the turkey in the microwave.

A graph proving the inverse relationship between hard work and progress

Just think of the Amish.  They work extraordinarily hard at their job.  And tell me, just how many technological breakthroughs have the Amish achieved since that fateful date when Lief Ericson led them to Argentina in 992? 

Instead of a conclusion, We at Duckman Connections will do our part to bring about change.

*In the olden times, people had to walk in water in order to travel

ADV TPW MJV

11 Reasons Turkey is Eaten for Thanksgiving

1. Looks better next to potatoes, rather than radishes

2. Helps keep down the population of ugly hairy reptiles

3.Has a fairly decent resumé compared to other fruits and vegetables

4-11. Something about rice

12. Tastes better than Bald Eagle

TPW MJV ADV

Narrating A Math Problem

First off, many of you are probably asking, 'How does one go about narrating a math problem?' or 'What exactly does narrating a math problem mean?'

Well, let's look at the question and split it up into multiple parts.

"Nar" - at first glance this may seem unfamiliar or uncommon; or both at the same time. However, "Nar" has a very specific, and easy to understand, meaning. Nar literally translates to 'the first three letters of the word Narrating'. Simple enough.

"Rating A M" - obviously this word has incorrect grammar. The 'A' should really be 'An' but none of that really matters*. If one were to rate a m, it would probably be rated somewhere between the Square Root of Omega, and The Hyperbolic Time Chamber of Mars.

"Ath Problem" - Over the years, some not-so-specific Scholars agreed the the hardest problems ever to solve in the universe is an Ath problem. An ath problem is a problem that consists of a riddle, wrapped in a mystery hidden somewhere deep in the woods.

So, putting the definitions of all three (3) words together, 'Narrating A Math Problem' literally translates to....

"The first three letters of the word Narrating the Square Root of Omega, and The Hyperbolic Time Chamber of Mars of a riddle, wrapped in a mystery hidden somewhere deep in the woods.

But all of that is besides the point.

'How does one go about narrating a math problem?'

Let me answer that question with an example, dear child.

Young Billy was exiting the old Lettuce Factory, when he heard a strange sound coming from the drain nearby. He slowly walked over to it. He looked down and saw the letter X. He thought it was mildly strange, but decided to pick it up anyways. Just then, two hooded strangers ran out of the Lettuce Factory.

'You fool! How could you have lost an X? The Boss specifically demanded we brought him X^2. Somehow you lost one?' Hooded Stranger 1 said.

'There's nothing we can do now. Might as well start looking for it instead of blibber-blabbering.' Hooded Stranger 2 replied.

Billy was about to give the two (2) hooded strangers the X he found, when he remembered the last words of his wizard neighbor.

'Never give away an X when you can't take an X away from the other side'


Billy realized that he couldn't give his X away, since the two (2) hooded strangers wouldn't do the same. He he quickly took off in the opposite direction. The two (2) hooded strangers saw him sprinting away and followed. After about 2 miles of running at about a 8mph, Billy arrived at a small shack.

'Tio Juan! Hay dos personas destrás de me! Yo necesito Los Hermanos Justicios!' Billy exclaimed.

'Calmate. I'll get the Justice Brothers in just a second. While you wait, drink some of the delicious kool-aid I made this morning.' Tio Juan responded. Just then the two (2) hooded strangers broke into the shack.

'Give us the X boy!' Hooded Stranger 1 yelled.

'Not today, Zurg!'  Billy yelled back. And with that, they were off.

'Why you no give me my X?!?' Hooded Stranger 2 shouted as they were running.

Billy ran to the train station and got on Train A, which was headed east at 30 mph. 13 minutes later, the two (2) hooded strangers got on Train B headed east right behind Train A, going 40 mph. Billy arrived at the city around 3:00 pm. A short while later, both hooded strangers also arrived, and captured Billy. They then brought him to The Boss.

The walked into the old abandoned warehouse and knocked on the door.

'Come in my minions' The Boss demanded. The two (2) hooded strangers stepped through the doorway, and into the presence of The Boss.

'Hand over the X^2' said The Boss. Hooded Stranger 1 opened the sack containing Billy and ripped the X out of his hands.

'Here you are Mr. El Oso' Hooded Stranger 1 replied. The Boss turned around and opened a black box. He reached in, and pulled out X^3 + ___ +X and laid it on the table.

'Now, you see boys, I needed that X^2 to finish the equation' The Boss told them. Carefully, The Boss placed the X^2 into the empty slot.

'Next, we put the equation into the Subatomic Derivative Generator and press start.' Lights started flashing everywhere and the whole building began to shake.

'WHAT THE?!?!?' Billy shrieked in a high, and unmanly tone. Just then, Los Hermanos Justicios broke through the window and punched Hooded Strangers 1 and 2 out cold.

'Just like Grandpa taught me' Hermano Justicio Jorge said. 'Now, Mr. El Oso, hand over the equation.'

'I'm afraid it's too late son. The deed is done.' Mr. El Oso replied. He then pulled out the equation from the Subatomic Derivative Generator. 'Remember, the fate of the world depends on this answer!'

'Wait, wait, wait. How will this decide the fate of the world?' Billy inquired.

'Psshh.Too complicated for your puny little mind to handle' everyone else replied in unison.

Mr. El Oso grabbed the equation firmly with both hands. Turned around. Held up the equation high in the air for all to see.  'Yes! My plan has worked! I have solved the equation once and for all!' Mr. El Oso exclaimed.

The answer: 2X^2 + 2.

The world fate would forever be ever-so-slightly changed.

*But what does matter is that you have to BELIEVE in yourself.

TPW

Duck Pond

Over the past few (insert time period here), many companies have been releasing these Television Associated Books Looking Encima de Turtles (T.A.B.L.E.Ts). At the Duckman Headquarters we came up with a great idea; create our own T.A.B.L.E.T.

We call it...

The Duck Pond!

Here are the specs:

-The screen in a map of the Mediterranean Sea
-It has 1 to 2 billion games
-Weighs only 2 unites for easy storage
-Looks good next to lamps
-14 easy payment of $72.63
-3 easy functions
     - touch and it lights up
     - learn countries of the Mediterranean
     - when screen turns on, you can touch it
- 115 nanometer speakers
- Not available in Puerto Rico or Kansas
-Contains 37 jelly beans
- Enjoys moonlit walks in the park
-Needs weekly therapy sessions
-Need 16 AAAA batteries (which need to be replaced every 4 hours)
-Back button avoids your finger
-Comes with wheels
-No strings attached
- Doesn't look like summer squash
-Plays the opening notes of 'Never gonna give you up' by Rick Astley at random intervals
- Eats you out of house and home
- You will be the life of the party
- Interrupts personal space
-Ruins romantic moments
-Randomly shoots silly string in all directions
- Moos periodically
- Makes a great white elephant gift
- Does your homework if you want to do well in school
-Hides your car keys. Effectively.

And Many More!

TPW, ADV, MJW

Proof Canada is a Nation of Sissies

This is the Canadian General Governor's coat of arms.  Although these are obviously male unicorns,  having a unicorn in your coat of arms either means you were high while making it or you never grew out of the "My Little Pony" stage of life.  Do the Canadians really think that adding compass tattoos to the unicorn's biceps makes them tougher?  The only logical conclusion is that Canadians are also dolts.  Proof:  Split hooves.

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