For years I have gone unnoticed. I was diligent in making sure no one was watching as I crept around in the night. The other day, however, the urge was too strong for me to wait for the others to fall asleep. I attempted to sneak into the kitchen, open up the cupboard, and begin licking each and every dish in the house.
I was on plate 10 when my wife walked in and saw me hunched over a pile of clean dishes ready to be licked. At first she looked confused, then she asked me to stop. I looked up, stared her in the eyes, and licked another plate. She gave me a look of disgust, like the look a serial plate-licker would look at someone who thought that what they were doing was unnatural. My wife begged me to stop.
"I wish I could." I responded, licking another plate. The addiction was too strong I knew I didn't stand a chance. The whole thing must've been too much for my dear wife to take, for she quickly ran out door. The only way I knew how to console myself was to lick more plates. And so lick I did.
Weeks passed (the passage of time escaped me as I was caught in a plate-licking trance) when my wife suddenly walked back into the house with all of our friends and family. They tried to sit me down and explain how my behavior was "unnatural" or "unbecoming for a man in this society". I honestly can't remember what was being said to me - all I could think about was the next high from licking another plate.
Eventually, I had enough of their shenanigans. I stood up from my chair, and pulled a handful of clean spoons out from my pocket. I looked at the person directly to my left, licked a spoon, and tossed it into their lap. I proceeded to do this to every single person in the room. They all looked at me with disgust, that same look my wife had given me when she first discovered me licking plates in the kitchen that one fateful night.
The more they looked at me with disgust, the more dishes I grabbed, licked, and tossed in their direction. If it weren't for the fact that I ran out of clean dishes to lick, I'd still be doing it to this day.
I now ask you, dear reader, please help support my cause. Sadly, I've run out of clean dishes to lick and I desperately need money to buy more. For just $1 a day, your donation can create a change that will last for generations to come.
Please send your donations to duckmanconnections@gmail.com and help my cause. I'm just a simple man who wants to lick dishes.
