The Great Penny Debate

“Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure. We are met on a great battle-field of that war. We have come to dedicate a portion of that field, as a final resting place for those who here gave their lives that that nation might live. It is altogether fitting and proper that we should do this.”

-   Abraham Lincoln, Gettysburg Address, November 19, 1863

For many years, the debate over whether the penny should be spurned or not has run rampant. Although the battle of the opposing sides may not be similar to that in the movie “Braveheart”, the war is still worth fighting (Braveheart). For years, both sides have been at a standstill, similar to the trench warfare of World War 1 (World War 1). However, as the debate has more recently heated up, dangerous phrases have been lobbed from one side to another, creating a more hostile environment throughout the once peaceful United States. Brothers began gathering arms against brothers, families started to tear apart, and the fate of the nation would eventually rely on the outcome of the War of the Penny. Inevitably, the elimination of the penny needs to happen in order to preserve the union, promote the general welfare of U.S. citizens, create a more patriotic society in America, and secure the blessings of liberty to America and America’s posterity.

“Gentlemen may cry Peace, peace; but there is no peace! The war is actually begun! The next gale that sweeps from the North will bring to our ears the clash of resounding arms! Our brethren are already in the field. Is life so dear or peace so sweet as to be purchased at the price of chains and slavery? I know not what course others may take, but as for me, give me Liberty, or give me Death!" -Patrick Henry, Virginia Convention, March 20, 1775

July 17, 2001 – The first words over the elimination of the penny were subtly spoken, with no intention to begin a war (Kolbe 1). However, the Pennyites, supporting the continuation of the penny, decided to start a war and declared it only a few days later. They proceeded to gather up their forces and prepare for the next assault. Once assimilated, the Pennyites began to build its first major fort: Fort Lincoln on Penny. During construction, words were thrown about both helping the cause for the Pennyites and hurting the reputation of the Penny Eliminators on the whole. Barbara Hagenbaugh, author of “A Penny Saved”, hyped up the morale of her troops as she yelled out words of fellow Pennyites: “The Illinois Delegation has supported keeping the penny, which featured the face of Abraham Lincoln, who... lived in Illinois for much of his adult life” (4). Deafening shouts rang out as Pennyites stomped their feet on the ground, pumped their fists in the air, and waved their team’s flag. As Hagenbaugh stepped down from the stage, Commander Susan Headley grabbed the microphone and shouted, “The Lincoln Cent is the epitome of modern day circulating coin tradition” (2). It is said that she then proceeded to toss multiple sacks of pennies into the crowd, in hopes of quelling the restless Pennyites from lack of battle. Headley stepped down and General Neal stood up. He began speaking of the atrocities of the Penny Eliminators. He ended the speech saying, “The penny is part of American history, [eliminating] it would be like getting rid of the flag” (Pinch the Penny? 1). The crowd cheered in excitement, and readying for the upcoming battle taking place the next day.

Little did the Pennyites know, the Penny Eliminators were going in for a surprise attack that very night. Slowly, but surely, the soldiers crawled across the field of wheat. General Owen turned to his men and said, “As sure as the chaff of the wheat is blown away in the wind, so too will our enemies be blown away after the morn is over.” The soldiers took their positions. Half stayed back as the other half began to take captive the enemies inside the fort. Five men charged the front door with a battering ram covered in five dollar bills. They did this to prove that Lincoln’s face would still present itself on the front of the five dollar bill if the penny was eliminated (Grey 2). Commander Grey rushed through the broken door, taking captive Commander Guidone of the Pennyites. Commander Guidone hid behind her shield embroidered with the words “Penny = Tradition”. However, the shield was no match for Commander Grey’s dragon shout, similar to the dragon shout found in Bethesda’s game, Skyrim (The Elder Scrolls V). Grey shouted, “Faal Lahvu Dreh Ni Jihai Faal Hrekim”, which literally translates from Draconic to English as, “The army does not use the coin” (Grey 3). Almost immediately, Guidone was blown tens of miles away, never to be seen again. Commander Grey turned and saw other Pennyites cowering in fear. “And just so you know, throughout history, Americans have defined patriotism by talking about past military achievements, and the support for American troops” (CBS NEWS). Everything went silent. That is, until one of the Pennyites screamed like a little girl being attacked by a spider. The Pennyites dug a hole in the fort wall and scurried off in hopes of securing a new fort for the future.

Months passed and no battles were fought. The nation glued their eyes to their televisions in anticipation, wondering if and when the Pennyites would rise and do something. Suddenly, Taylor Swift came on the air and started talking about the terrible effects the penny has had on the world. Just then, Kanye West came up on stage and grabbed the mic, saying something along the lines of, “Taylor, Imma let you finish, but the penny is the greatest coin of all time. All time yo.” He proceeded to shrug his shoulders and walk off the stage. Taylor Swift stood in silence as the whole crowd booed Kanye. All across the country, Penny Eliminators and Pennyites ran into the streets, ready to brawl it out to the bitter end. In the middle of Times Square in New York City, a spokesperson for Junior Scholastic was promoting pro-penny propaganda saying that if America rounded up to the nearest five cents, consumers would pay an extra $600 million every year (2). However, the speech was quickly broken up when dozens of Penny Eliminators rushed the scene screaming, “It’s only $2 a person!” (Junior Scholastic 2). Fists started swinging, and in no time at all, the whole city of New York was fighting. Luckily, the Penny Eliminators had backup – and with pick-it signs. One of the signs had a picture of Commander Susan Headley melting down pennies, saying, that even Pennyites were melting down pennies since the metals they are made of are worth more than the monetary value of the penny (Wikipedia Penny). Another sign stated that over the past couple of years (2005 to 2011 to be exact), the United States lost $129 million due to the production of the penny (Copper Pennies). In an unexpexted turn of events, Barbara Hagenbaugh, previous spokesperson for the Pennyites, pledged her allegiance to the Penny Eliminators when she said, “About $10.5 billion, or $93.75 [in pennies] per household, is sitting idle” (2). And just to add salt to the freshly made wound, General Owen of the Penny Eliminators stated, “The penny is worth so little now, that if someone were to take longer than 4.9 seconds to pick up a penny off the ground, they would be earning less than the Federal minimum wage” (3). The Pennyites went berserk.

A man, by the name of He Man, who was sleeping, was awoken by all the commotion. He stepped outside and he said, “Hey! What’s going on?” (Youtube Heyyeyaaeyaaaeyaeyaa). A follower of the Penny Eliminators turned to He Man and said, “Have you not heard? Can you not see? The day of war has come! The heat of the battle is here, now! The night is always darkest before the dawn – and we must preserve the union, we must fight to eliminate the penny from this wretched place!” He handed He Man a Juggernaug, a patriotic drink that makes one able to take twice the damage as usual, and they dashed into the battle (Call of Duty: Black Ops). The two took out enemy soldiers one by one, throwing punches, dodging fists, all the while serving a steaming hot plate of justice. Hours passed and all that remained were the Penny Eliminators. Justice had truly been served. He Man climbed the pile of beaten Pennyites, held up a penny, and melted it down with a military grade lighter to symbolize the end of the long, hard struggle. Across the nation Pennyites laid down their fists in light of the news, all to be deeply humiliated at their poor effort in the war for centuries to come.

The following day, the P.O.T.U.S. delivered an awe-inspiring speech, which said, “For years the Penny Eliminators fought the so-called un-American Pennyites in hopes of getting rid of the worthless piece of metal. The end of the war has come, and peace may now be restored to the country. The Penny Eliminators successfully preserved the union, helped promote the general welfare for the citizens of the U.S., helped create a more patriotic society in America, and secured the blessings of liberty to America and to America’s posterity. The nation is forever in debt to the brave souls who risked their lives for such a great cause. Thank you to all who were part of the Penny Eliminators. You saved the nation from utter destruction that was inevitable were the Pennyites to succeed in this endeavor.”